Author Feedback: Frigidmagi

frigidmagi · Post by **frigidmagi** » Mon Jan 22, 2007 12:12 am

Warren returns in Lost in the Woods

Thanks are due to Nitram for aide on gnomish names and other things, CT for general overviews on gnomish behavior and as always on this series Cat for going over it before I posted.

Rogue 9 · Post by **Rogue 9** » Thu Jan 25, 2007 5:04 pm

Interesting. I missed what tackled the half-orc the first time. I presume it wasn't the wereboar, as the half-orc wasn't dead or a lycanthrope when he showed up the second time...

Norseman · Post by **Norseman** » Wed Jan 31, 2007 5:26 pm

Well I rather like Warren, he seems to be in the Han Soloish mould. His motivations are believable, and his actions are consistent, so Warren as a character works.

I note a bit of parody of fantasy tropes, which is a bit odd when mixed with reasonably gritty combat, but it does work.

My one little note is the episodic nature of the pieces, it does work, but it niggles me a bit at times. That of course could be my love of embroidering the setting, as opposed to frigidmagi's more sparse style; some would call me verbose after all :)

In fact I only have one real quibble: there ain't nothing wrong with the word "said" and avoid Swiftisms e.g.: "It will rain tomorrow," Tom said precipitously. That too is a stylistic thing, I've told Big Steve the same thing.

frigidmagi · Post by **frigidmagi** » Mon Feb 12, 2007 10:18 pm

Okay question: Warren III will basically pick up right where Warren II left off with a gap of maybe a couple hours at most in story time. That being said should Warren III (haven't even decided on the title yet, I'm thinking Woodland Rukus or something like that) be a seperate post or attached to Warren II?

I leave it up to you.

SirNitram · Post by **SirNitram** » Mon Feb 12, 2007 10:23 pm

I'd make it a new reply to the original post, meself.

Steve · Post by **Steve** » Sun Feb 18, 2007 6:45 am

Read part 1 of your Forgotten Realms story. It was entertaining and interesting, if lacking in necessary commas and breaks here and there.

I'll be reading Part 2 later.

frigidmagi · Post by **frigidmagi** » Sun Mar 11, 2007 5:14 am

Okay The Beat of the Drums is from the universe being hammered out in The Sci-fi thread here

Comments, complaints and suggestions are welcome in both threads.

Comrade Tortoise · Post by **Comrade Tortoise** » Sun Mar 11, 2007 5:48 pm

I have to say, I like... Especially the dolphin...

Stofsk · Post by **Stofsk** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 1:02 am

I like it too. It's good for a first draft. I don't think I've read any of your work before.

-spelling, punctuation errors, I noticed some mistakes that you can go over an fix. 'Women' when you refer to a singular 'woman' for instance.

-Dorian's report to the Senate could be broken up into several paragraphs. I like the creepy 'manifest destiny' stuff that seems to be the Asseverate's agenda.

-the Senate called for war pretty quick.

-problem: overuse of metaphor. Several times you refer to the Humanity League as children. I get the idea you're trying to invoke, but just be careful about throwing around metaphors. A few times is enough for the idea to transmit to the reader, overuse of it gets boring. Similarly, Dorian referring to Fielder as 'my son' in every exchange, it comes across as awkward. You also have to explain what terms like 'Jotan' means. I get that it means bodyguard or warrior, or something, but be precise in your writing.

All in all I like it.

frigidmagi · Post by **frigidmagi** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 1:04 am

Several times you refer to the Humanity League as children. I get the idea you're trying to invoke, but just be careful about throwing around metaphors.

Quick note Stofsk... It's not a metaphor for the Asseverate. Otherwise your points are good if you can point out the spelling grammer errors I'll correct them and see about what I can do for the rest of it.

Stofsk · Post by **Stofsk** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 1:07 am

Yep, I got that.

Charon · Post by **Charon** » Sat Sep 08, 2007 12:08 pm

Very well done. I like how you put it so plainly that Warmachines outdo their civilian brethren so succintly. Also, more old warbots for the win!

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Sun Feb 24, 2008 8:32 pm

You. Post more. Or else.

Did I mention I love detective stories?

Charon · Post by **Charon** » Sun Feb 24, 2008 9:50 pm

Very nice beginning. I loved how you had the fancy new stuff that we the readers aren't used to as something that the characters in the story were very used to and you still gave enough information to inform the reader while keeping the tech very "everyday".

There are a few spelling errors, but those happen in every story.

The Silence and I · Post by **The Silence and I** » Mon Feb 25, 2008 3:22 am

Is good. I liked the way you describe living underground as normal for these people. If you post more I'll read it.

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Sun Mar 23, 2008 3:22 pm

Oh, this is getting very interesting, Frigid. A touch GitS, but that's ok, it fits with the theme.

Comrade Tortoise · Post by **Comrade Tortoise** » Tue Mar 25, 2008 10:59 pm

I am going to say here what I said in person. I love the Noir style

The Silence and I · Post by **The Silence and I** » Thu Mar 27, 2008 3:59 pm

The mystery thickens! I think you could use an editor though, a couple parts gave me comprehension difficulties here.

Also: the cube's "face" looking at the camera is not difficult--since the original footage has been doctored somehow it isn't hard to make the digital image "look" in the direction of the camera. I assume our inspector just hasn't thought of that yet?

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Thu May 15, 2008 6:47 pm

If the perp's a hot-shot cracker... why are they trusting netpedia?

The problem with this story is how long it is til the next chapter. Murder mysteries pull me in and I have to devour them immediately to find out whodunnit.

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 5:34 am

Long time since you've written, Frigid.

Steve · Post by **Steve** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 9:54 pm

I look forward on where you're taking the prequel, Frig. :)

LibriumArcana.Games

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