Author Feedback: Frigidmagi

[Narsil]

Because you need one...

Now, after reading the first chapter... it looks interesting, but it has something of a problem with formatting. Try to at least leave a line's space between each paragraph, especially with dialogue:

It should look more like this:

Godfrey waited at the pool until he was sure that the Mattew's scion was gone, along with his armsmaster and armsmen. Once he was sure he turned to House Lord Dunmire.

"Your assets are in place?" He asked.

"Yes, all over the hold. It can be done in a few hours on your word."

"Excellent"

And a bit less like this:

Godfrey waited at the pool until he was sure that the Mattew's scion was gone, along with his armsmaster and armsmen. Once he was sure he turned to House Lord Dunmire.
"Your assets are in place?" He asked.
"Yes, all over the hold. It can be done in a few hours on your word."
"Excellent"

Not to be nitpicky, but this can make a story extremely hard to read and puts many people off of reading it altogether. As for grammar errors - you could misspell your own name, and I wouldn't care provided it was a decent story, which this looks like it could quite possibly be given a bit of dusting off here and there in the formatting.

[frigidmagi]

Notes on Chapters 1 and 2. The United Protectorates seem to be place I keep returning to. In this case Nathan's War was first typed in 2004 and posted in StarDestoryer.net, I wrote it on wordpad without spellcheck or a prereader and it shows. In this case I have subjected it to a spell check and had our own CT pre-read it for me. Given his positive response I felt justifed in continuing the story and posting it.

Notes on background: At the opening of the story Lastport is an effective theocracy, but a benevolet one run by a order of pasifist priestesses. Their claim to authoriy laies in the fact that they estblished a peace that ended the violent wars between House Lords, City holders and the Protector and his supporters. The Protector's role in their government is much like the Emperor's role in Shogunate Japan, that of silent approval. Also was the fact that in Lastport soceity at the time violence against women was considered completely unacceptable which aided their peacemaking efforts greatly.

The reasons for this is simple. The people of Lastport are shipwrecked. The first generation was shipwrecked by the crash of a colony ship upon Lastport (hence the planet's name, I drew inspiration from pioneer humor) after fleeing through an uncharted wormhole from attack. While most of the ship survived intact the climate of Lastport is not pleasent or convient for humanity. To be blunt, no one would voluntery colonize this planet if there was another choice. Lastport is in the grip of an iceage and has a 24 month revolution around it's star. For 8 months you cannot venture outside, you will die, frozen to death. Most of the native wildlife deals with this via migration or hiberation. Humans built underground cities.

Due to climate, resource problems and so on, women became a population to be protected, this is also why you do not see female infantry solders in Nathan's time. He and other characters would regard such a idea with sheer horror.

More notes forthcoming, feel free to ask questions.

[LadyTevar]

Merged to one sticky

[frigidmagi]

My post should be on top if you ask me.

Narsil you'll note there are paragraph breaks and seperation, it is my opinion that having small parts of dialogue seperated like

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine."

Isn't really all that much easier to read than

"Are you okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine."

In other words it was a choice made with full knowledge of the formatting of the board.

[LadyTevar]

It's a matter of who posted at what time. Narsil got there first. *shrug*

[Narsil]

I suppose it's your choice.

But I think my problems arose from the board style I was using. It was much easier to read while using SubSilver rather than ClanzDarkness.

Good fic overall... and I'm looking forward to seeing more.

[Cynical Cat]

Good start frigid.

I have to agree with Narsil about the spacing. Now I feel dirty. Going to go wash and scrub with steel wool.

[Shark Bait]

First off nicely done!
Secondly I can understand the point they make with the spacing but it does not bother me.

[LadyTevar]

Very nicely done, my friend. I'm really enjoying Nathan's War.

There are a few places where it's not clear who's saying what, and some places where paragraphs seem to have run together. But that's the only faults I can find with it :)

[Hotfoot]

Please remember that you asked for input, and when I give it, I go into workshop style.

I'd like to preface this by saying that I enjoyed the story the first time around, and I'm glad you're coming back to it. Most of what I'm going to comment on are mechanics, rather than story elements. The biggest note I have concerns the dialog tags.

"I agree. You have the word to begin in one hour, when the Priestess began (begin) their main prayers." Came the order.

This just really doesn't jive with me. Maybe you want to work in some third-person reflection into the character giving the order, or the person recieving it, or just on the method by which it was given. For example,

"I agree. You have the word to begin in one hour, when the Priestess begin their main prayers." Boren's order fell heavy into Dunmire's ears.

Or something like that. Also, note the tense change above. While I throw out most rules of grammar when doing dialog, because that's what people do when they speak, tense changes are sacred. Characters should keep in the same tense when they speak unless they are going to argue about it.

Also, the dialog tags should explicitly state who is talking. Given that you don't use them all the time, there is less of a reason to use indefinate tags such as "he" and "she". If you used the tags for every line of dialog, less definate descriptors would be acceptable, but we really want to know who is saying what, even if the voices are distinct enough, it helps to have these as reminders.

"You should go to." He said to wife.

This is a dual example. The tag should have more of a descriptor, and it could use a "his" thrown in before "wife".

Also, you should be cautious about using all caps to denote screaming, especially when the dialog tag tells the reader just how loud the character is being. Never underestimate just how powerful an exclamation point is.

I hope this is helpful and I look forward to reading more. :)

[LadyTevar]

Well done on Chapter 4.

Now go save Andy :-D

[frigidmagi]

Bad news Hard drive is dead making it difficult to write. Chapter 5 will be delayed considerablly.

Good News Ben as the complete work on his computer so it is not lost to techno gremlins. There will be a Chapter 5, eventually.

[frigidmagi]

Chapter 5 is up.

[Comrade Tortoise]

Just to let all you folks know, I did the math using slightly greater than mormon levels of population growth. Total population of Lastport is around 3 million people, many of them not of fighting age however. (LOTS of kids)

[frigidmagi]

Futher note (this will pop up in Chapter 6 anyways) the population of Firsthold, biggest city on Lastport is 300,000. Do not expect grand sweeping armies in this story.

[LadyTevar]

Once again, other than grammar problems, and places where it seems like words were left out of a sentence, this was a very great story.

And sometimes, even an 18yr old just needs a hug, and told he's doing fine.

[frigidmagi]

... I may need a new Editor.

[frigidmagi]

A Long Walk Home introduces Warren, a native of Scardale who just wants to get home quickly as possible. This story is a big change in tone and scale for me, you could call it an experiment if you like.

Anysways, drop a comment.

[Ace Pace]

If they were back by now they weren't coming back at all.

Type, shouldn't it be "If they wern't back by now.."?



Otherwise, nice, humourous, I like.

[LadyTevar]

I feel so sorry for Warren.

The battle was jerky, I had a hard time following it. The complaints about the names threw it off for me. Otherwise, it was a well-done hard-luck tale.

[frigidmagi]

Which battle? Can you expand a bit?

[Comrade Tortoise]

I liked it, and didnt find the fight to hard to follow.

And of course, we both know that Warren is going to make an appearance in a series of my fics once you finish.

[The Village Idiot]

I am really likeing the story, looking forward to seeing more.

[Lia]

I found "A Long Walk Home" quite throughly amusing.

Being a sucker for inner monologue, I liked that he was like "...ugh, baddie has a name THAT stupid?"

I could be evil and pick things apart, but that's not why I read people's stories online. It was amusing, interesting, and man, when he got hit by that fireball and kept fighting, it really got across an idea usually glossed over in Tabletopping...

Sure, you survived, but that's got to hurt.

I'm also amused at a story involving hot chicks where the dude is still like 'whatever. I'm going home.'

[frigidmagi]

In Warren's defense things at home really do require him to get back. Given the posititive feedback to the story I intend to do more and hopefully get more into it.