STGOD: The Pheonix Wars (Chapter I)

[tumbletom.]

"You do realize that the Executor is heading for both of us now?"

The words 'you dumbass' are not spoken, yet somehow are strongly implied.

"Time to cross genres a bit..." Pulls out handy vox. "Commissar Petrosjko, calling for immediate teleport out."

With a crackle of ozone, the very fabric of reality is distorted. Those watching can see the foul energies of the warp brushing lightly against the world of men, as Petrosjko is teleported away to the nearby Astartes Battle Barge His Divine Wrath.

Oops
*grabs Petro's ankles and follows him into the rift of space time*

[tumbletom]

Damn it I need to stop doing that....

[Robert Walper]

Damn it I need to stop doing that....

Behold my power, young one. *points to said post* 8-)

[Josh]

"My Lord Commissar!"

"Yes?"

"You have something hanging on to your ankles."

Petrosjko looked down, then sighed.

"Yes, Tom often ends up in a prone position when in my company. Let go... hey... HEY, let go!"

*kick kick*

[Dartzap]

'Milord Detritus.. we have detected some life forms zooming past us at a considrable speed'

'So? what do you suggets?'

'How about a light Meteor shower Milord?'

'Yes, that would be appropriate...'

'I shall begin the process at once '

*From the side of the Flagrock, hundreds of thousands of meteor's begin chasing after their target*

[Kreshna Aryaguna Nurzaman]

"My Lord Commissar!"

"Yes?"

"You have something hanging on to your ankles."

Petrosjko looked down, then sighed.

"Yes, Tom often ends up in a prone position when in my company. Let go... hey... HEY, let go!"

*kick kick*

<Imperial Coded Message.>

From: Kraas Hauser <Imperial Admiral>.
To: Petrosjko <Imperial Commisar>.
Subject: Prisoner transfer request

Dear Sir,

We were unfortunate to catch an empy asteroids, but it is with pleasure that we hear the news that you're curently holding the prisoner.

Thereby, we humbly request that the prisoner to be transferred to our costudy. We'd also like to mention that Darth Kreshna has special plan to the prisoner.

A shuttle is being sent for your convenience in regard with the transfer.

Best Regards,

Kraas Hauser
Fleet Admiral
Executor-Class Comand Ship Phoenix

<end of message>

.............................

<Imperial Coded Message.>

From: Darth Kreshna <Sith Lord>.
To: Petrosjko <Imperial Commisar>.
Subject: Have you received Hauser's email?

Come on, buddy. Just be done with the prisoner transfer, and then we could have some beer together while watching Twi'lekkian striptease!

Regards,
-Kreshna

PS: Kraas is a little bit edgy, but I'm currently holding a party with women from the planet 'Earth' aboard my Executor. Also, the people of this planet have some sort of wonderful drink called 'Tequila'. Wishing you were here.

Heck, this is my *personal* ship anyway.

<end of message>

[Dartzap]

"My lord Detritus, we have intercepted a message, apprenlty there is a some sort convict in that portal we saw earlier, he is set to be transferred to a vessel very soon"

"Commander, why do i need to know this?"

"May i suggest we stop the meteor shower from getting to them? we don't want any 'Unpleasantness ' at this time, as you know."

"Very well, i know how much damadge those things can cause to that kind of ship. Call off the attack"

"As you wish, Milord"

[Kreshna Aryaguna Nurzaman]

<Imperial Coded Message.>

From: Jonathan Tempe <Imperial Navy Captain>
To: Kraas Hauser <Imperial Fleet Admiral>.
CC: Darth Kreshna <Sith Lord>.
Subject: Suspected attack

Dear Sir,

We have been experiencing a meteor shower just recently. The Enforcer had suffered zero damage. Our gunners have been performing well, and shields are holding. It should be noted that our gunnery officer, Lieutenant Lester, had some experience in Hoth asteroid field some years ago. We should be ready for another wave of meteors.

However, we suspect that the meteor shower is not a natural phenomenon. In fact, the pattern is consistent with the secret weapon of "Lord Detritus" mentioned in our intelligence file.

Should we commence retaliation?

Waiting for further instruction,

Jonathan Tempe
Captain
Imperator-Class Star Destroyer Enforcer


**********************

Aboard the Phoenix Admiral Hauser and Darth Kreshna are reading the message. "Should we retaliate now, milord?"

Kresha replies, "not yet, Admiral. Just send Jackhammer and one of our World Devastator to Eviscerator's coordinate, but tell them to not doing anything funny yet. For now, just wait and see. Our intelligence report suggest we can take anything they throw us, so let them witnessing the invulnerabilty of our vessel. Meteors! Give me a break."

"Yes, milord. But a World Devastator? It seems to be contradictory with your defensive stance."

"Ah, trust me, Kraas. I have a plan. And by the way," Kreshna fetches a can of beer using the Force, and gives it telekinetically to the Admiral.

"A 'beer'?" Hauser frowns.

"You have been little edgy, my friend. Just take a break a little."

With that words, the Darth Kreshna returns to his chamber.

[Kreshna Aryaguna Nurzaman]

"Yes, Tom often ends up in a prone position when in my company. Let go... hey... HEY, let go!"

*kick kick*

Josh has been displaying an act of decency, if you know what I mean. After all, he did choose to "let go" instead of..... ah, um, you know WHAT I'm really talking about. Ask Robert if you still don't get it.

*whistles innocently*

[Ra]

*Galadriel walks into Ra's palace. He is standing there doing absolutely nothing.*

Something troubles you.

On the contrary. Observe.

*Galadriel walks to the balcony, which is overlooking a vast hangar Ra has ordered constructed.*

What insane plan have you wrought now, Ra?

I'm undergoing the second phase of my military proliferation plan. These are my new Mk. 42 Tempest starfighters.

*Rows of sleek gray fighter craft are lined up, as clone pilots and Eldar ground crews run checks.*

I am impressed, Ra. Abandoning the Death Glider, I see?

Yes. A Tempest could take on a flight of F-302's with ease, and will serve my purposes nicely.

Then that was why those Humans were here?

Yes. A team of technicians arrived to help in training the clone pilots.

And I assume that includes implanting a Goa'uld into that lieutenant?

*smiles evilly* It was necessary.

[Josh]

From:Petrosjko <Imperial Commisar>.
To:Darth Kreshna <Sith Lord>.
Subject: Re:Have you received Hauser's email?

Yeah yeah yeah, I was taking the day off and vigorously ignoring all email after I canceled my meeting. I'll bring Tom over right away. Don't start the party without me.

Regards,
Josh

-------------------------------------------
"Brother-Captain Marsallis!"

"Commissar?"

"We must extract Tom from the autorack and deliver him to, ah, the Inquisition at once."

"The Inquisition is involved?"

"Indeed they are. Inquisitor... Darth... Kreshna."

"That name sounds somehow familiar. Wait, yes, Brother-Sergeant!"

"SIR!"

"That world we cleansed of the foul xenos three months ago... Baroo... Nanoo..."

"Naboo, sir!"

"Before we slaughtered that nest of young xenos, what was the name they spoke with such fear and loathing?"

"Darth Kreshna, sir!"

"I thought as much! I will be honored to meet an esteemed member of the Ordo Xenos who inspires such fear among the foul subhumans."

"Er, no, I gotta do this one alone. Well, and, y'know, with Tom in tow."

"Not even a small honor guard, commissar?"

"The... ah... inquisitor... values his privacy, you see."

[tumbletom]

Petro you freakn left me on your friggn pants....Be more considerate man!!!!

Ahem, Now where was I.... :P

[Josh]

HEY!

You never were in my pants. We strapped you to an autorack, where you experienced torments unheard of by man.

(Unless you've been to an ABBA concert, that is.)

[Dark_Silver]

I swear to all that is unholy and unjust, I will kill this board for logging me off.......I swear it in My name, ~D.S.

And your will shall be done, Emperor. *bows*

-From a undisclosed Chantry hidden upon a pocket realm on the closet planet to the system's sun, he watches the lightshow and displays of power being perpetrated by those who dabble with such mundane things as technology.-

The Mundanes are still at it Jakh Ruks, shall we send the Devourers to keep the peremiter?

"Negative my loyal pet....send for Darth Petrosjko though"

Is that wise m'lord? He was busy in the Deltivid System

I know what I'm doing....

-Moment's later, in a clap of thunder and a bolt of lighting, Darth Petrosjko the Pattern Clone appears in his Master's study-

You summoned me my Master?

Indeed I have...go forth and find the other you. Bring him here, and do see what the hell is causing those errant Meteor Showers in my solar system. You may take the Red Dwarf.

Your will be done, My Master

Good man good man....

-minutes later, a massive red hulled starship which looks like a supremely upscaled Soverign Class Starfleet Ship some 700 kilometers in length, with it's own Superlasers where the deflector dish should be leaves the First planet, and makes it's way towards the fleets....taking a momentary time to blast a rogue moon to kibble that was in it's way just before engaging the Quantum Slipstream drive-

Remind me to thank the Master for loaning me the Red Dwarf....I like it

[Josh]

The viewscreen lit up as the Red Dwarf assumed a holding orbit.

"You."

"You."

"You're looking good. Nice ship."

"Don't be an ass."

"It comes naturally."

"I know. Anyway, Silver wants to see you."

"Silver can bite me. Right here. And nibble here, here, and here, and lick here..."

"Y'know, that's so much more grotesque when you're not the one making the joke... hey, put your fucking pants back on!"

"So anyway, what the hell does Silver want?"

Meteor shows and shit, he's wondering what the fuss is about?

"None of his damned business."

"He thinks otherwise. Are we going to have to dance again?"

"Apparently so. My powers have doubled since the last time we fought..."

"Good! Twice the pride, twice the... hey... you're not fobbing the loser's lines off on me."

"Too late."

"Bastard."

[Ra]

*Galadriel watches the meteor showers as they swarm the system. The rocks begin to bombard the Planet of Ra, catching her attention. She then stands, and summons her powers, sending the space rocks into a stable solar orbit.*

What were you doing?

Nothing, why dost thou ask?

Well, probably because all the meteor showers in the System just stopped. Besides DarkSiver, you are the only one capable of doing that without the benefit of technology.

I see your time with the Eldar is making you... less of a dunce.

*eyes flash*

Anyway, look to the skies.

*Overhead, a long, needle-like object juts across the sky. Despite being in orbit, the white monstrosity is still visible even to the eyes of Humans. Galadriel's Elvish vision allowed her to see the ship in great detail.*

The Daedalus has arrived.

And we shall board her immediately.

*Transporter beam activates*

[tumbletom]

Damn it I need to stop doing that....

Behold my power, young one. *points to said post* 8-)

Your Great Power is much appreciated :P

And What was KAN talking about Rob?

[Kreshna Aryaguna Nurzaman]

Your Great Power is much appreciated :P

Darth Kreshna contemplates. The prisoner seems to be more than willing to surrender himself. The prisoner transfer has been smooth. It seems he owes Commissar Petrosjko a round of beer or two.

They walk to the detention complex aboard the Phoenix, accompanied by some Stormtroopers. Although their job is to ensure that tumbletom doesn't try something stupid (like escaping; or self-castrating. Oh, wait....), the presence of a Sith Lord makes the job easier.

As they arrive at the detention complex, Darth Kreshna opens a cell door and speaks.

"Frankly, my friend tumbletom, your spirit amazes me. I wonder if you would remain cheerful after spending some days in prison. Let me introduce you to your new cellmate!"


As the cell door is locked, the amphibious creature from Naboo talks, "Yousa have pretty ass.. Mesa like dis. Maybe wesa bein friends. Mesa want give yousa 'una bongo'. Mesa want give yousa boom-boom!"

Apparently the detention cell is equipped by wall-mounted speakers, as a song starts playing right after the creature finishes his words. The song turns out to be Boom Boom Boom Boom by Vengaboys. Tumbletom can only watch helplessly as the Gungan is opening a bottle of lube while the music plays:

If you're alone and you need a friend
Someone to make you forget your
Problems
Just come along, baby, take my hand
I'll be your lover tonight

Oow, oow oow oow
This is what I wanna do
Oow, oow oow oow
Let's have some fun
Oow, oow oow oow
One and one, just me and you
Oow, oow oow oow

Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!!
I want you in my room
Let's spend the night together, from
Now until forever
Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!!
Let's spend the night together,
Together in my room

:analstomp:

And What was KAN talking about Rob?

In case you didn't notice, Robert has a great pervtential, especially in interpreting posts in.... ah, certain way. ;)

[Destructionator XV]

Inside the Destructionator mainframe complex, a massive facility located somewhere beyond the heavens...

Sitting at a rectangular table inside the complex are three forum-series Destructionator models, one a seasoned warrior wearing flame-retardant armour, one with a similar appearance to the last, but with a childish attutude but still heavily armed, and one with the apperance of a human female but with the firepower to level skyscrapers built in to her slight metallic frame. One humanoid man, dressed in an elaborate outfit of shining colours was also at the table, sitting at the head. At the other end of the table sits a massive computer, the Destructionator mainframe, the central control unit of all Destructionator units and their underlings.

The mainframe started to speak, in a mechanical voice, like the computer from Star Trek TOS:

"Thank you, Lord Adam, for coming here today."
It addressed to the elabratoly dressed man.

"And welcome, gentlemen. I have gathered you all here today to discuss some disturbances we have detected on our long-range remote scanners."
A three dimensional scaled image of a system with nine planets appears on the massive screen on the mainframe. Also on the image is various symbols, used to depict fleets. A testicle is shown over the third planet, a GPU over the fourth, a snake like being over the seventh, a cube over a resource rich planet (Robert: which planet are you?) a simple circle in space, and a few other smaller symbols floating around the system.
"As you can see here, there are a number of factions building up a strong military presense in this system."

The seasoned Destructionator spoke up:
"I believe I know that system. It is just a little back water system with a rather stupid human society on the third planet. What could all these factions want there?"

Lord Adam began to speak:
"There used to be Ancient bases in that system, but they are long gone, as far as we know. I can think of little reason why they would want it, especially with other more advanced worlds only a short hyperjump away."

"Whatever is there, they seem to think it is worth fighting over. We want to know what this is. I have prepared a fleet of warships for you all to take to this system to investigate. Destructionator XV, you will be in command of this fleet with the Galactica class attack carrier Genator as your flagship. Destructionator XIV, you will be in charge of our android and clone ground forces. And Destructionator XIII, I want you to stay at the jump point we will use for insertion and keep it out of enemy hands while relaying all data back to me."

"That base will not fall with me defending it."
"I shall lead my ground troopers to complete victory over the enemy."
"I will not disappoint you on my first mission. I will bring glory to my fleet."

"Very good, everybody. I have a transwarp conduit which you will use to enter the galaxy. Destructionator XIII will defend it on the remote side. We will only use again it if we absolutly must once you are inserted as it outputs a massive subspace beacon when used and we do not want to lead these forces back to our home galaxy. This means you will be mostly on your own after departing. My A'millian 127th combat fleet is already in that galaxy, but I do not want them to be distracted from protecting our interests already in that galaxy. They will only assist you if there is no other choice."

"I reccommend using the fifth planet as your base of operations. Sneak in under full cloak, then use the massive planet to shield you as you observe enemy activities. Do not engage the enemy unless neccessary. And avoid moving around too much - we don't want them to detect you prematurely. Gather information and report it back to me, then I will forward further instructions. Any questions?"

The room was silent. These androids are professionals, and know exactly what to do.

"Excellent. Good luck, gentlemen. And may victory be ours. And remember, this briefing is classified."

The Destructionator units pick up their papers and leave the room to get to their starships. Once they are gone, Lord Adam takes one last look at the massive computer, nods, and leaves the room. He will probably be staying in Empire Headquarters on A'millian Prime, but there is never knowing for sure what he is planning. In his 19 centuries of life, he has never been one to just sit around while his soldiers went into an unknown battle. There will surely be a suprise coming from him...

Out in space, a fleet of 30 capital ships go to warp, disappearing an a dazzling display of light, heading towards the transwarp conduit which they will take as a (temporarly) one way trip to an unknown danger....


Have a very nice day.
-Destructionator XIV

[Ace Pace]

With the forces ready, the Gnomes unfurl their greatest achivements, three massive rods extend out from the planet, and activate, slowly accelerating the entire planet on a course to the outer rim of the systrem.

[Ra]

a snake like being over the seventh

Snake? A snake! Correct your maps, mortal. This is the symbol of my realm.



:P

Anyway...

*The Daedalus detects the transwarp conduits opening throughout the system. Ra watches the consoles carefully.*

[Destructionator XV]

a snake like being over the seventh

Snake? A snake! Correct your maps, mortal. This is the symbol of my realm.

All you puny goa'uld are the same to us. Pathetic snakes to be quashed under our mighty heels.

"Actually, let us update the information. Keeping the various factions of snake heads seperate will be useful in knowing how to manipulate them into civil war."
*Maps updated.*

Meanwhile, at the remote jump port....

In a brillant flash of subspace energies, the fleet emerges from the transwarp conduit, on the other side of the galaxy from the 9 world system. Model XIII takes 5 starships and breaks off from the fleet to defend this jump point. The remaining 25 ships go to stealth cruise mode and set a course for the 9 world system. In a muzzled display of light, they go to warp speed in stealth mode.

[Josh]

"Queen Knight's Pawn to Queen Bishop seven."

"Bastard!"

"You thought I wouldn't notice the opportunity on that rook? That's straight out of my playbook."

"Point."

"Lord Commissar!"

"Yes, Brother Captain?"

"We are detecting strange auditory emanations from Inquisitor Kreshna's vessel!"

"Bullshit. There's no sound in space. Didn't you ever watch Firefly?"

"It seems to be... screaming... Lord Commissar."

"What could make a man scream so loud he could be heard across vacuum... ooooooooh. Yeah, that's just the heretic. Don't sweat it, Brother Captain."

[Kreshna Aryaguna Nurzaman]

A testicle is shown over the third planet,

Too bad I cannot display my symbol... :(

[Destructionator XV]

OOC: People in power: are you going to archive the old TGODs, or just let them be deleted with the usaual goings of Testing? I really think they should be kept: they are often quite golden.

A distance of about 25 lightyears away from the system, the Destructionator fleet secures from warp speed.

"Prepare for FTL jump to the system."

The variety of propulsion systems these ships had meant they always had the right tool for the job. Hyperdrive for long, fast trips. Warp drive for normal interplanetary trips where precision is needed. FTL jumps for short but nearly instantanous jumps that are diffucult to detect and trace. The downsides of current FTL Jump technology possessed by us is that the jump must be of one distance, they take a while to charge up, and even with precise calculations may be hundreds of thousands of kilometres off. Nevertheless, it remains an excellent insertion technique.

"Execute."

The ships are swept by a beam of rainbow light, and the next instant their view screens are filled with an image of a gas giant.

"Jump successful, Admiral. All ships accounted for, now in maximun cloak mode, using the planet to futher shield us from detection."

"Very good. Deploy stealth cloaked probes to orbit the planet so we can see what is going on around us."

"Probes deployed, sir. We will be recieving full telemetry in about one hour."

"Now we wait and figure out what the hell is going on here..."