Seeing How Far I Deviate From the Norm.

[Cynical Cat]

I'm going to talk about something I never talk about. Let me start by saying everything's cool. I'm good and no intention of doing anything to harm myself. No need for hugs or worrying. But . . .


I go through dark moods. Usually several times a year and during at least one of them I think of taking a knife to my throat. I never have acted on this or done anything to self harm like cutting or any of that shit, but I do think about it at least once a year at least as far back as age twelve.

Anyone else do anything like this?

[Josh]

I went through a phase of suicide ideation, but it was different in that it was actually not during one of my depressive funks. It was actually during a time when everything was entirely placid and life was just sort of rolling along. I got possessed by this morbid notion of shooting myself with my revolver. I mentally played out all the pre-shooting steps in my mind, and I thought about this at least every couple of days during that period.

It wasn't that I had any intention of acting on it, or any desire at all to do so. The image and process just fixed in my mind and would occasionally replay.

I didn't get that during my serious depressions, but what usually ran with me through the dark periods was a slow burn of anger at my brain chemistry that would eventually jar me out of the black. But then even when I was a teenager and the dark periods started I knew that it was straight-up chemical and that my life in general didn't merit the depression, which gave me this detachment from the entire process, like I was this unemotional observer stepping out of my depressed self and studying myself clinically. Then I'd start to get mad at my stupid brain acting up. That's how I ultimately overcame the dark phases, though I didn't realize until I was around thirty-ish that the high swings were actually more dangerous for how they put me at personal and financial risk.

I've felt bad enough that dying seemed like a good option at various places in my life, but other than that one weird (for me) phase where I actually mentally planned it out, I tended toward 'I'll make the world kill me' over doing myself.

Also, hugs are good whether you're depressed or not.

[Batman]

Um- this community is perhaps not the perfect sample base for 'the norm'. And that entirely depends on who or what is doing the hugging.

On a more serious note, I suspect a lot of people, or at least a lot of people who end up joining a place like this, feel that way once in a while.
I get somewhat depressive during winter due to the lack of sunshine myself, and there's been plenty of occasions where I contemplated on how the world doesn't really need me and this life isn't worth living (and one where I acted upon it).

Thankfully, these days, my dark phases aren't so bad that 'you haven't yet seen movie X/episode Y of series Z' isn't sufficient motivation to keep me going. Or the delusion that at least online, there's people who need me.

[rhoenix]

I go through dark moods. Usually several times a year and during at least one of them I think of taking a knife to my throat. I never have acted on this or done anything to self harm like cutting or any of that shit, but I do think about it at least once a year at least as far back as age twelve.

Alright, I will be as direct and honest as I can. Though this may be a web forum, we have all known one another for years, even if just as names attached to text on the screen, or voices through programs. With that in mind, that at least makes all of us somewhat familiar with each other, even to the point of being friends. Should friends not help one another when asked?

To the point of thoughts regarding the OP - Sometimes I do, and have since I was a little older than four years old. Whether she meant to or not, my mother firmly gave me the impression that I was in the way, a mistake, a bother she was burdened with, that she tried to make the best of. This, coupled with asking me parenting advice on how to raise myself (also since I was four) made me firmly not enthusiastic about living, even feeling since a young age that the lives of my mother and my grandparents would be better and easier without me in them.

As an adult, as the illusions and assumptions gave way to perceptions and reason, I began to understand her actions and motivations more. That it was not her intention to raise me to feel this way, but was genuinely how she felt. I can understand these things now, though I am thoroughly disgusted by them.

After my grandfather passed, I felt like I lost the only ally in my family I had. In slowly coming to terms with the shock at the time of not only my grandfather's passing but my mother's rather stunningly soap-opera-ish string of betrayals, I agreed to allow a friend move in with me, who stole money and items from me shortly thereafter.

All of this recently has made me decidedly less empathetic to the human race and much less willing to be a social animal, but I am more loyal to those I think of as friends. I still have trouble recently mustering the willpower to do anything creative whatsoever, but I still at least plan and outline for when I do feel ready. The bottom line for me is that due to my actions, and due to how I've helped others, even though I'm still going through a dark depression now and feel at my lowest, considering my situation as it is... things could be, and could have been, a hell of a lot worse if not for my actions.

The bottom line is this - alive, you have the chance to break or change patterns that bind you, and make things better for yourself - and eventually, the people and places around you as you begin to feel better and grow.

However, keep doing as you've always done, and you'll get what you've always got. Change or get rid of the habits and patterns which do not help you, while building upon and nurturing those that do.

[Cynical Cat]

Just to be clear, I'm doing pretty good right now. I would never expose emotional weakness during my dark phases. I'm not overflowing with trust in the best of times.

[rhoenix]

Just to be clear, I'm doing pretty good right now. I would never expose emotional weakness during my dark phases. I'm not overflowing with trust in the best of times.

Neither am I, my friend.

[Comrade Tortoise]

I'm going to talk about something I never talk about. Let me start by saying everything's cool. I'm good and no intention of doing anything to harm myself. No need for hugs or worrying. But . . .


I go through dark moods. Usually several times a year and during at least one of them I think of taking a knife to my throat. I never have acted on this or done anything to self harm like cutting or any of that shit, but I do think about it at least once a year at least as far back as age twelve.

Anyone else do anything like this?

I almost never contemplate self-harm (other than in random thoughts that pop up out of nowhere and are quickly forgotten). I contemplate other-harm. Never acted on it (obviously), but it is something I have actually worked out and considered. Target, means, evidence disposal. Mostly it is cathartic fantasy where the subject manifestly deserves it. Sometimes though, it is not directed.

[LadyTevar]

You know I have had my dark periods as well. Remember I was cutting myself, and chopped my hair off after Martin nearly died. I'm here if you need to talk.


And CT: yes, I also have nice murder-fantasies.

[Soontir948]

Yes, since I started middle school. I'm not sure when I don't have a "dark mood". I'll usually play video games to forget or not care anymore which further reinforces my feeling of uselessness unfortunately. I've tried to do better by trying to learn more things that would make myself more useful to employers and what not, but I end up getting headaches and panic when I don't understand the material which leads me back to playing video-games.

At points in my life I've filled the sink or tub with water, held a kitchen knife to my heart, contemplated getting run over by a commuter train, and last year seeing how easy it'd be for me to jump off Queensboro bridge.

Not fun at all. It's funky to have a part of my mind realize that I will never have the will to commit suicide, but at the same time, I may never break out of the loop I'm in and do something worthwhile no matter how much I want to.

[Academia Nut]

I've got Seasonal Affective Disorder (it has been unpleasant in recent weeks) and I've been through some stressful periods, usually regarding schooling, so depression isn't something new for me. I actually can get oddly manic when depressed, although that is sort of a desire to just escape from whatever situation I'm in. That can either manifest in thoughts of inflicting harm on others (smash everything between me and escape) and a weird sort of self destructive impulse (go now, don't worry about the consequences even if you lose your job and drain your funds down to nothing).

One of the big points of management I find is to actively acknowledge the fact that I am having thoughts and impulses running through my mind that would have negative consequences if I acted upon them. Its a sort of metacognitive trick, which while it can get me stuck in thinking about the same things over and over again, it also lets me focus more on the thoughts than on acting them out. Also, a critical part of management has been talking with people about it, although that really isn't fun if I'm in the midst of an anxiety attack. Although the manic energy released after a panic attack episode can be cathartic in the long run and allow for acknowledgement of problems, it is not something I would ever recommend to anyone.