Rome!

[frigidmagi]

You Demanded It! You Voted for it! You were almost denied by underhanded dealings but you overcame! ROME!

I have decided to divide the reviews into two parts. You get my first impression in the morning and a full out chew over in the afternoon after I sleep. As such Episode I, Season I, first thoughts.

I really hate Atia. I mean I want her to catch on fire or be eaten alive by rats or something. She's either evil or an utter bitch or some unholy combination of both. In this one episode I have seen her wreck a happy marriage, pimp her daughter out, send her son into a warzone and fuck a guy for a horse... I mean holy hell women do you have no sense of restraint or decency? Her only redeeming characteristic is being willing to do some rather gross shit to get the gods favor for her son (hell it seemed to have worked...). And dude I got a thing for shapely redheads but she has managed to kill any sexual attraction dead, dead, dead. Still bang the actress don't get me wrong but Atia? Where's my damn bayonet I'll make an expection on the don't hurt girls rule.

Octavia, I feel bad for this poor girl. I don't even blame her for wanting Pompey dead, her other choice is to plot her mother's death... Which while horrifying... She should totally do it anyways. Also, she is hot and Irish.

Octavian, bit of a little snot but there's potentional buried under the snobbery, get that beat out of him and we could have a hell of a dude. I know I should be shocked at him beating a Gaul with a stick after being rescued but fuck that, they were whipping him. I most likely would have choked the shit out of them in his position (that is newly rescued from slavery), no one whips me asshole! He's also kind of a genius, which means I really hope someone takes him in hand and kicks all that bullshit out of him. I hope he plots his mother's death.

Caesar, didn't get much screen time... Kinda of a... dick. But one of those magnificent bastard dicks. Everytime I see him he's in charge, even when clearly disturbed (though not emotional) by his daughter's death. Not sure I like Caesar... But I respect him so far. He should beat Atia

Brutus, fucking drunken bigmouth dumbass, your mouth! Shut it! I swear Ceasar puts up with you solely because he wants to bang your mother harder then a screen door in a tornado. Huh, wonder if they're going with Brutus is Ceasar's kid angle here? I keep seeing it brought up.

Titus Pollo, my opinion keeps shifting but for most of the episode... I don't like him. He's the idiot who breaks formation, endangering his fellow troopers so he can get some extra licks in (smooth asshole you made us all work more!). He sleeps on watch (way to fucking play with our lives jackass!). And is a rapist (this guy? This is the kinda guy Cpls like me beat to death with their own Kevlars... Helmets to you non-marines peoples). He has two virtues so far that I can see. One he is a motherfucking murder machine on two legs (Pollo, you're my new pointman, forever. Be sure I pray for ambushes.). Two he talks shit to officers, which means there must be some kind of a soul buried under there. I did like the prayer scene over the jail house door, I hope that god gets his lamb or pigeons.

Pompey, grumpy, distraught kind of confused guy. But he's sneaky...

Mark Anthony... Why the fuck can't you be Ceasar so I know you'll be messily stabbed to death in this show you fucking prick.

Cato, Holy Hell Cato! How do you walk down the street without everyone going deaf from the sound of your giant brass balls? Amazing.

[frigidmagi]

Right the expanded bit.

The Episode opens with a voice over explaining things, which is a good touch. It then takes us into Gaul, where the fight is small scale but well done. It's more accurate then Gladiator say even if the battle in Gladiatorial is more epic but that's a budget thing. Here in the fight we see a buddyfucker son of a bitch break formation so he can get some extra hits in. His buddies (who he fucked by leaving open when he left the formation) are organized by an officer (the whistle bit is kinda cool) to get him back. Said buddyfucker gets beat down as he deserves.

We see Vercingetorix utterly humiliated and forced to submit by kissing the eagle in front of the legions. And people complained about what we did to Saddam... Imagine if we had stripped him naked and made him kiss the Flag live on cable (ew). Anyways we are shown the slave markets, with Rome giving us an idea of what it means to be violently conquered. This isn't any special sin on Rome's part, it's just what it means to be violently conquered back then.

We also see the buddyfucker again, he's named Titus Pollo and he's getting a whupping. A whupping he earned. I find his reaction to finding out that the boys of the legion have been given 2 days off to sack the town (trust me, you don't want be one of the poor fuckers who lives in that town) hilarious. This guy so far reminds me of a recon marine, therefore I take joy in his pain!

We switch back to Rome (which makes sense) where Ceasar's troops (or some of them) are tossing out loot from Gaul to the Plebes. The Patraicans aren't happy about this.

"What a dreadful noise Plebes make when they're happy."

Man, I thought class divisions were getting bad here. Fuck dude.

We also meet Ceasar's niece, The BI... I mean Atia. Buck naked and grinding away on a dude. For a horse. How very Tsarina of her. At this point I merely find her kinda annoying in a Paris Hilton kind of way but Atia isn't content with that. She takes said horse, tells her only son that he's taking it into a warzone as a political gambit to make sure his great uncle doesn't forget they exist. I get the logic and it's sound but God Women have you no idea what can go wrong in a war zone?

Side Note: There's a scene with a street annoucner, I like the display of rhetorical stance and gesture that go with the annoucements, it's usually overlooked today.

We go to the Senate where I'm sure the wise men of Rome will show us the proper way to run a government putting aside partisan rancor for the good of the.... Yeah... No. The Senate of Rome makes the Republicans and Democrats look like models of restraint.

"For 8 long years he has gored himself like a wolf on the blood of Gaul."

"Why has he paid the debts of every repobate fool in this Senate House?"

After calling his opposition a bunch of bought off idiots lead by a baby killing monster he demands Ceasar be stripped of power and charged with illegal warfare, theft, bribery and treason. Damn Cato... Your balls double as city bells don't they?

Crassus jumps in. Yo Pompey I'm totally gonna let you finish but Caesar is a wolf for all time. Who let Kenye West in here? Moving on.

Octivan is sent off to Gaul and Atia is just utterly charming about the whole thing.

"Bring him back safe or I'll use the eyes of your children for beads" Are you always on women?

We have a scene of the Eagle of Caesar's Legion being stolen. Blue painted Gaulic Ninjas of Doom! Love it! Don't care about the accuracy! Although... Why are they painted blue? Do Romans magically not see you if you're blue?

Roughly at the half way point we see Pollo buddyfucker again, he's drawing a huge dick on his cell bench (stay classy Pollo), but more importanly Brutus shows up! And Caesar is happy to see him. They talk about Brutus' Mom (Pretty sure Caesar has a thing for her). And Mark Antony shows up and acts a prick. Rome seems embarrassingly wealthy in utter dicks and assholes. When Brutus gets home we find out that Brutus Mom is as hot for Caesar as he is for her (very) which makes a wonder that this is a secret from... Anybody. Brutus later will also blab all sorts of things to Pompey while drunk. Brutus, your mouth... sew it shut.

So what bit of a joke... What do you call Octavian and 6 slaves in the woods? Well if you're a Gaul you call them targets and man do they die fast. Octavian is a spray young lad and makes a dash for it... Right into the Gauls... Smooth kid. Smooth.

We switch back to an officer I'm calling scar face... Because he's an officer and therefore I don't have to remember his name. He's told to find the eagle and he proceeds to do it the old fashion way... By torturing random Gauls until someone screams out like a virgin on prom night. That happens pretty quickly. I really love the expression on the soldiers face when he's told to take everyone down right after he got them all posted up. It's perfect and pretty much an expression that anyone who was enlisted in the military knows well. Fucking Officers.

Pollo, the buddyfucker, is praying urgently to a god that if he'll only open the damn cell door, he'll get a whole lamb or failing that no less then 6 pigeons! Pagan gods seem to bribe easier then the Christian God so in comes Scarface. Together at last, a duo for the ages. During their little ride montage Pollo gives Scarface acres of shit. I approve of this, it's the first glimmer of a soul from Pollo.

Atia is taking the news of her only son's disappearance well, taking part in a prayer to ensure his safety... By drenching herself in bull's blood... No wonder the Romans converted.

"So I go to mass once a week and no animal sacrifice?"

"Our God made those unnecessary."

"So I don't have to drench myself in bull's blood?"

"... No."

"SOLD! SIGN ME UP!"

Still if there's any women who should be drenched in blood... It's you Atia. Especially since her next move is breaking up her daughters happy marriage to a man she actually loves so she can pimp her out for politics. This is where the hate starts and it never dies! What a bitch.

Oh and after ripping away the girl from her loving husband (note to self if I find myself in such circumstances make sure everyone understands my love of the Irish tradition of feud and my Scottish understanding of it) she turns around and pimps her out to Pompey. I'm serious, I'm not adding anything here, it's a "Oh you should marry my daugther but why wait you can totally fuck her right now and right here!" kind of thing. Holy Hell Woman, you have no soul do you?

There's a campfire scene where Pollo tells us more about himself then I ever wanted to know. He's a serial rapist and a buddyfucker.... Wonderful. Where's my bayonet? Pollo is assigned first watch, also known as the easy watch.

Pollo slept on watch... You Jackass Buddyfucker, how did some enterprising young Centurion not beat you to death with your own helmet!?! Clearly Rome is in her decay because she has to depend on you! You JACKASS!

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Okay for a Jackass Buddyfucker he's a motherfucking murder machine I'll give him that. When they run across the guys who jumped Octavian, he mows through them like they're made of candy. Octavian also shows why he's gonna be Rome's first Emperor, first by beating the Gaul who was whipping him with stick until he goes down (good job kid) and then showing despite not being old enough to shave and possibly not realizing that women are interesting for all kinds of things, he is still a stone cold genius able to predict Pompey and Caesar. Damn kid.

Oh they also find the Eagle. Man Scarface and Buddyfucker are like the luckiest Romans in Gaul. And holding the eagle is.... Pompey's slave... Oh shit.

I like Octavian totally playing it off when he rides into camp with buddyfucker (look that's Pollo's new name until he earns his way out of it) and scarface and the eagle. The look on Caesar's face is priceless... On the flip side I can put a price on Pompey' expression when he gets his mail. I'm gonna say the price is civil war and the final death of the zombie republic that was Rome's government of the time. Yeah that sounds right.
Pompey also does not marry Octavia, despite boning her at her mother's insistence.

Octavia (poor girl) takes this... not badly, calling for Pompey's death. I kinda get where she's coming from even if she misses the fact that is all her mother's fault. Hey if it was me, calling for the death of a stranger would be easier then plotting the murder of my own mother. Of course her mother is Atia, so she should totally do some matricide anyways. For the Good of Rome.

[The Cleric]

Pullo is a good guy, rough around the edges and very impulsive but his heart is in the right place. Vorenus (Scarface) is I guess the main character of the series, and the guy your heart just breaks for. The gods pile so much shit on him I'm surprised he can walk. Atia is a bitch at first, but I ended up pulling for her not too far into the series. You see that she's just Queen bitch, and better at it than anyone else. I understand why she is how she is, and that the system ensured that she would be or plowed under. Well worth watching till the end, and with only 2 seasons it's not hard to.

[frigidmagi]

First impressions.

I have a better impression of Pollo, he at least tried... Even if he did bring down the Republic, nice job buddyfucker, but at least it was an accident.

And Scarface... Oh man, I wish I had been wrong about your wife. I really do. Nor can I blame the woman, she thought you were dead and had to support two daughters... This is one of those things where you can only go Damn the World.

Mark Anthony... You sir, deserve your fate. That poor Shepard girl and the whole republic got butt fucked by you and your incompetence. Fucking Noble Bastard.

[frigidmagi]

Right I found Episode II to be a bit of a heartbreaker honestly.

We start off in Caesar's winter camp where he's having a classic military problem, retention. Or to put it another way, troops are ducking out of camp for the cities of Italy and they ain't coming back. Caesar's slave who is a bit lippy given Caesar's legal right to stab him to death at any time points out that

A: Caesar seems supremely unworried.
B: Caesar has sent Mark Anthony to be a Tribune, a post he is deeply unsuited for.

Anthony reinforces that by stopping his whole column short of Rome so he can rape a Shepard girl. You know, fate is to kind to this man. Pollo's remarks "I'm gonna drink all the drink, smoke all the smoke and fuck all the whores." doesn't bother me, it could have been lifted right out of my old unit after all.

We see Octavia's husband where he is chased off by Atia... God this women has no fucking soul. And when Octavian comes home... Holy Fuck boy when did you grow a spine? He shuts his mother down and takes over demanding that Scarface and Buddyfucker be allowed to eat with them as equals. I like this, I like the boy showing some steel in the backbone is good.

Here we learn that Scarface is a strict traditionalist and buddyfucker couldn't give a crap. Atia is actually very gracious to the both of them which I found a bit shocking all in all. Well the boys split up, Vorenus scarface to go to his family (this isn't gonna go well) and Pollo buddy fucker to... drink all the drink, smoke all the smoke and fuck all the whores and he does so. Having more fun then Mark Anthony who spends all night in a temple but then Pollo despite being a buddyfucker has earned his fun more then Anthony ever will. Vorenus comes home to find his wife holding a baby... This is an issue as he hasn't been home in 7 years! He's upset, she's upset (turns out she thought she was a widow) and tells him to met his grandson. Saying his 14 year old daughter has been skipping out with the local drover's boy. I'm not sure I buy it (oh I'm sure she's been out with the drover's boy) but I hope it's true for Vorenus sake. His reunion with the family is awkward and... Well...

Look what Vorenus is suffering is common most of us come back... Harsher then when we left. War does that to people it doesn't just kill. Even today with everything we have set up to try to dull that edge, it's still there and we're often, brutal, crude and harsh compared to the people we were before. Vorenus wife isn't dealing with this well but I can't blame her, as she thought he was dead for a year. See some idiot of a paymaster told her Vorenus was dead and stopped paying her. I would jump Vorenus for not writing his wife but I'm not sure he can read and pretty sure she can't. This means she was without support for a year and she plays it off claiming that her sister supported her and
Vorenus buys it. We'll let our spouses tell us all sorts of lies we wouldn't buy from another human being won't we?

Well Anthony has a SECRET MEETING with Cato, Pompey and others. Caesar is willing to be cool and back down providing he gets a province which gives him legal immunity (you know from Cato's desired trail). Pompey ain't having it, thinking Caesar's position to weak for him to need to give out concessions. You know I get where Cato is coming from, but Pompey come on, give Caesar a single legion province, get him away from Gaul and his armies and leave him there. It's better then civil war! Neither side budges and I get the 3 best lines of the episode.

"Caesar has more legions, winter doesn't last forever, spring comes and snow melts."

"That's a threat!"

"No, not at all, snow always melts."

After the meeting Anthony also rails the hell out of Atia. Octavia finds her screaming annoying, this will later result in humor.

Pollo on the flip side has managed to wander into the wrong bar, the wrong dice game and the wrong side of a knife. Smooth Pollo. He does show off his amazing murder powers, man this guy is like a fucking bender on two legs isn't he? Amazingly he stumbles all the way back to Vorenus house collapsing on the kitchen floor. Vorenus may not like his fellow legionarie but he ain't gonna let him die like a dog so he gets a doctor who performs some amazing surgery given his tools. I was impressed.

We also get Vorenus giving his future son in law a really rough time (as is traditional) he goes a little overboard and his wife doesn't hesitate to tell him so. The swearing gets a little odd sometimes, was "My Father's Cock!" really a common curse? It just doesn't ring well with me.

Vorenus seems to realize how unhappy he's making his wife and it does seem to hurt him. He just has no damn idea what to fucking do about and concentrates on trying to get her and the family set up economically by selling his slaves. I want to hold that against him (the slavery thing) but... Well... Fuck slavery so damn ingrained into Rome, it's like being pissed at a fish for sucking in water.

Pollo wakes up and... Actually tries to help smooth things over between Vorenus and his wife... I'm in a rare moment of utter approval for Pollo. He's keeps this up and I'll have to get him a new nickname.

Back to the Senate! Pompey had earlier blackmailed Cassius into supporting a movement to demand Caesar return to rome to face trail or be declared an outlaw. They both know it's pointless because Anthony can exercise Tribune Veto. Cassius has to be blackmailed into it (Pompey threatens to take his legions to Spain and leave the Senate to Caesar's mercy) due to his claim that voting for something he doesn't want would be irreligious. Romans mix religion into the damnest things don't they?

Well it was a good plan politically speaking, show Caesar that the Senate will not support him and he's alone as a bargaining tactic but it fails for two reasons.

A: Anthony is a fucking moron. Seriously he sits on his ass like a pole axed ox and only Cassius screaming at him to VETO the very measure he just voted for gets his drunken fool ass up.

B: The Senate itself explodes into a brawl with Cassius vote for a bunch of old guys they get pretty violent.

Because the master of the ceremonies was knocked the fuck out, the VETO was never recognized. This freaks the hell out of Pompey and Cassius, as outlawing Caesar means he has no choice but to go to war. The old master of ceremonies (if I remember right it's the oldest man in the Senate?) claims this is a religious matter and there are no tricks in religion...

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Does the definition of religion change in 2 thousand years?

But Cassius being clever figures an out, the pure desperation on his face is wonderfully communicative. This is a guy who has been trying to hold the Republic together only to realize he just blew it apart and he'll do anything to keep the fuse from reaching the bomb. They realize that since there was no formal end to the session that the next session, legally is the same one and Anthony can use VETO there. As long as nothing happens to Antony. I'm sure this will end well.

Anthony calls for every trooper of the 13th in Rome, including Pollo and Vorenus, who finally admits he loves his wife and he's sorry she's unhappy. They would have likely worked something out if not for this. Pompey rallies his street thugs to make a show of force but tells them "no blood, Anthony is to be unharmed!" I'm sorry but this is damn silly, you put this many armed men in an enclosed space where no one is sure what will happen and then hope for a nonviolent solution? What are you two idiots smoking?

Well... Remember when Pollo walked into the wrong bar? So does one of the street thugs and jumps him, the whole forum explodes into violence (see told you). Vorenus takes a hit in the gut and Pollo carries him out on his back while Pompey screams in utter horror (on one hand, Pollo got his buddy out that's a good job, on the other... Pollo just single handedly brought down the whole Republic... Amazing.)

Anthony and his boys (including our dynamic duo) flee to Caesar's camp is just fucking delighted. There we see that Caesar can put on one hell of a show when he has to and gets the legion not only ready to march into Italy but fired up to fight a civil war. Vorenus wakes up as they cross into Italy, finding himself the one thing he never wanted to be, a rebel fighting for Caesar.

The news spreads like wildfire Caesar Is In Italy. He has broken the law by crossing over under arms. The episode ends with Vorenus oldest daughter asking her mother what will happen. Her reply is straightforward and correct.

War silly girl.

She then sits down and breast feeds her son (damn I hate it when I'm right), telling us everything we need to know about what she's been doing for a year. Thing of it all is I don't blame her, she had two daughters to feed and clothe and a supposedly dead husband. You can't blame the husband because fuck he didn't even know he'd been declared dead! Just a fucked up world is all. A fucked up world with no good solutions.

[Comrade Tortoise]

Pollo on the flip side has managed to wander into the wrong bar, the wrong dice game and the wrong side of a knife. Smooth Pollo. He does show off his amazing murder powers, man this guy is like a fucking bender on two legs isn't he? Amazingly he stumbles all the way back to Vorenus house collapsing on the kitchen floor. Vorenus may not like his fellow legionarie but he ain't gonna let him die like a dog so he gets a doctor who performs some amazing surgery given his tools. I was impressed.

Common enough surgery in the time period too. The only thing they could not treat were crushed (as opposed to cracked or fractured) skulls, and massive internal injuries (like a belly wound that punctures the abdominal wall). They could even stop bleed out from femoral artery wounds if they got to it fast enough (cant put a tourniquete on the neck though...)

Pollo wakes up and... Actually tries to help smooth things over between Vorenus and his wife... I'm in a rare moment of utter approval for Pollo. He's keeps this up and I'll have to get him a new nickname.

As Cleric said, he really is a good guy (keeping in mind that he IS a legionary in ancient rome. They were raping mass murdering slavers by and large), he just has disciplinary problems.

She then sits down and breast feeds her son (damn I hate it when I'm right), telling us everything we need to know about what she's been doing for a year.

It gets more complicated. She was NOT a prostitute. She told the truth when she said her sister was helping her out.

[frigidmagi]

Oh I can figure she wasn't street walking. No way they could hide that from Scarface. Which means she either remarried or became someone's mistress. Either way... Not a fun situation.

[Cynical Cat]

A little bit about Rome, religion, and politics. Religion is a state matter, because it is important that the state have the support and approval of the gods. Thus jobs like Pontifex Maximus (head priest of everything) are state appointments. To the Romans, and many other peoples, religion is essential to proper defense and economic policy.

Let's take the matter of being a Tribune. The Tribune is elected by the plebes and was created as a social reform (to forestall violent revolution). In theory the Tribune represents the interests of the common man by vetoing legislation passed by the patrician senate that the Tribune disapproves of. Thus the plebes theoretically have a stake in government.

It's important to note how the Tribune's powers worked in theory. The Tribune was a HOLY office, representing the will of the plebians and selected by an election watched over by the gods. The Tribune's veto literally works (in theory) by the Tribune putting his sacred body in the way of the legislation. As the Tribune's person is sacred, the law must yield. This is how the office of Tribune functions and why it is of utmost importance that the Tribune not be personally threatened. Anyone doing so is committing the direst of blasphemies against the gods that watch over and support Rome. It's both treason and heresy and no body, no matter their real feelings regarding religion, wants to be seen by the public as a heretic and traitor.

[The Minx]

Oh, I love this series. Love your review.

I'm afraid you're going to hate Atia a lot more before you're done with the series. I won't say any more.

[The Minx]

More Rome reviews plz.

[Cynical Cat]

More Rome reviews plz.

I endorse this proposal.

[Charon]

I third this motion. The measure passes unanimously. The Senate has spoken. More Rome reviews.