Feedback for Rhoenix/Windswept

[LadyTevar]

...........
Ok. I can see your reasoning. Of course you COULD have had Rengi be the teacher.

[rhoenix]

Ok. I can see your reasoning. Of course you COULD have had Rengi be the teacher.

Not to slam Renji here...but there'd be no way he could keep ahead of Alex for very long, despite their raw differences in power.

He needs someone as a teacher who can not only catch him, but also throw him to the ground hard enough to make a crater for a while.

Minor spoiler: Like Tia Hallibel, Grimmjow kept his inner Hollow after being reborn as a whole soul in the Outer Districts, and remembers exactly how to use it. And just like Tia, he has since learned how to use it in concert with his Reaper abilities.

This is partially why he's in 2nd in the first place (as much of a loudmouth as he is, he can be surprisingly silent, and otherwise is truly excellent at creating diversions), why he's in charge of the jails (as Third Seat), and why I could think of no better drill sergeant than he for Alex.

For context, imagine a drill sergeant whose only rules when it comes to the new recruits are "no permanent injury," and "no death".

[LadyTevar]

Boy he is so fucked. Have fun Oquo, and don't leave any marks on him.

[LadyTevar]

My only problem is trying to match Captain's names with their faces *blush*.

What happened to Kenny?

[rhoenix]

My only problem is trying to match Captain's names with their faces *blush*.

I can't really blame you there, I just have my list. Fourteen is a bit much, I agree, but... yeah.

What happened to Kenny?

Shinji played bad cop and Urahara played good scientist, with Yoruichi playing the part of concerned passer-by. Basically, Kenpachi and Yachiru didn't have a chance - although that same weird doll Urahara used for Ichigo came into play here.

[LadyTevar]

I am liking your reboot much better.

[rhoenix]

I am liking your reboot much better.

Me too. It feels a hell of a lot more satisfying.

[dragonfolder]

Hi,

I'll stick to the format you wished ^^:

1. I liked the concept of how the growth of a total outsider will play out in Soul Society. The fact that Alex has flaws is good (makes him easier to realte to), problem is, as the chapters progress he becomes more like the typical Ichigo-hero. Don't get me wrong, he still has the same traits (polite, etc.), but he becomes for me more "generic" to use the term.

2. The things I did not like: 1) The way the pacing is structured, meaning that while a slow pace story-wise is good, going into too many details is not. Which brings me to point 2.
2) There are too many unneccary things and details in the scenes. Stuff should only happen (and be shown) if it of importance to the overall plot in some way. (The subtle hintings of the three ladies being former hollows was good writing). The last scene where Alax enrolls into the shimigami school, the whole last quarrel seemed prolonged. I as a reader already know that the girls bicker (as seen in previous scenes), unless further querreling moves the plot, it should not take so much screen time.
3) Use ----- / * * * */ "something": to devide scenes where time takes place between. It makes reading easier.

3. Steal from the established writers ;) - how they build up scenes, and how all the various elements further the plot. Something I lack is descriptions of the background around the characters. As it is I mostly feel as if I am watching characters moving on a white screen. Especially when writing fan-fics the details in the nvironment is where YOU get the chance to shine. Everybody knows what souledges are, but we don't know much about the finer details: What they eat (and why), clothes, etiquette, etc... These detail is what makes things come alive. A good way of thinking is that everything has a background story (which will of cource not be described, but hinted at), and if you can make me as a reader believe that there is something deeper, beyond what you describe - my imagination will take over and embellish what you hinted at.

I did like reading the story, so I'm sorry if this review comes across as overly picky/hostile, and I love the Bleach universe.

Best of luck! :)

~ dragonfolder


((This is not the thread for commentary. Post Moved -- LADY T))

[rhoenix]

Hi,

I'll stick to the format you wished ^^:

Hello dragonfolder, and thanks for the review! I'll address each point in turn.

1. I liked the concept of how the growth of a total outsider will play out in Soul Society. The fact that Alex has flaws is good (makes him easier to realte to), problem is, as the chapters progress he becomes more like the typical Ichigo-hero. Don't get me wrong, he still has the same traits (polite, etc.), but he becomes for me more "generic" to use the term.

In wanting to make a flawed, relatable main character, I can sympathize here. However, I'm not sure what you mean about how he's the "typical Ichigo-hero" - would you mind elaborating on this?

I ask specifically because in terms of power levels, while he will eventually be best compared to Captain Hitsugaya, Alex won't be getting an inner hollow, or ten thousand random powerups through the course of this story.

As for his personality, I originally took Ishida and Captain Hitsugaya as inspirations, and made him more impulsive to start with. If it's a personality trait you mean, I'd like to know more.

2. The things I did not like: 1) The way the pacing is structured, meaning that while a slow pace story-wise is good, going into too many details is not. Which brings me to point 2.
2) There are too many unneccary things and details in the scenes. Stuff should only happen (and be shown) if it of importance to the overall plot in some way. (The subtle hintings of the three ladies being former hollows was good writing). The last scene where Alax enrolls into the shimigami school, the whole last quarrel seemed prolonged. I as a reader already know that the girls bicker (as seen in previous scenes), unless further querreling moves the plot, it should not take so much screen time.

This is a fair point - I had felt the bickering between Rosa and Amaya came off as a bit forced. It was meant to show that though they are sisters and have a long history, their personalities are still changing over time.

It was meant to show that though they're more relaxed and talk more than they used to when they were arrancar, they're still adjusting to life in Soul Society in many subtle ways. However, I will be more watchful for possible unnecessary dialog and scenes.

3) Use ----- / * * * */ "something": to devide scenes where time takes place between. It makes reading easier.

This I will do. I mainly try to skip around scene breaks because I also repost the chapters at FF.net, and that site seems to bear a strong grudge against most normal formatting. So, I'll use a similar break as for my writer's note.

3. Steal from the established writers ;) - how they build up scenes, and how all the various elements further the plot. Something I lack is descriptions of the background around the characters. As it is I mostly feel as if I am watching characters moving on a white screen. Especially when writing fan-fics the details in the nvironment is where YOU get the chance to shine. Everybody knows what souledges are, but we don't know much about the finer details: What they eat (and why), clothes, etiquette, etc... These detail is what makes things come alive. A good way of thinking is that everything has a background story (which will of cource not be described, but hinted at), and if you can make me as a reader believe that there is something deeper, beyond what you describe - my imagination will take over and embellish what you hinted at.

This is a fair point, but I am trying to write each scene constrained from what Alex knows or understands at the time. This was my main reason for giving other details about each character, their little actions, and how they word things - Alex is still getting to know the people here, and while I've left hints for savvy readers as to what else might be happening, he won't know until much later.

In given this point, it appears you feel I've given the wrong kind of detail, or not enough. I will watch my future chapters more for this point.

I did like reading the story, so I'm sorry if this review comes across as overly picky/hostile, and I love the Bleach universe.

Well, thank you - this story is a rewrite of the story How Changes Howl, also posted here. It was an attempt to start fixing the issues with writing in HCH, so I am keenly interested in tips to help me improve.

Thanks for the review, and I hope you continue to enjoy.

[dragonfolder]

Hi again rhoenix,

My point when writing that Alex became more like a typical "Ichigo" lies in that at first Alex's personality is quite clear, and I see that his actions bring both good and bad things (e.g. he bonds with a souledge, but looses his girlfriend). As the story progresses I feel I loose track of who Alex is, compared to what he does: I'm not quite sure how to explain this, but I'll try. It is as if that initial actions could only have been done by Alex, but the later actions could have been done by anyone. In the beginning the "bonds" with the Caden family, and slowly gets to understand why they do not like Reapers. This story-tread is gone, and it seems as if Alex has completely forgotten about them (which is strange considering that he is polite, and does care about those he meets). Would'nt Alex at least give them word that he was doing ok, and that they need not worry? Alex does own them a debt of gratitude for taking him in, even though some of them did not want it.

The one thing I dislike in Bleach is that once the fighting starts often the various characters stop being who they are (excepting combat techniques), and just fight i out as two random people. I do like action, but action for the sake of actions becomes tedious. If a combat scene takes place, why would the characters fight in it - and how much are they willing to sacrifice? Shunsui is a good example (and thankfully a comcistant one) of a guy who dislikes fighting, and holds back in order to avoid fighting until the last possible moment, even though it might not always tactically be the best move. I hope you don't go into this trap, because suspension before fight is just as important as the fight. If the readers have to wait for a big fight, knowing that it will be awesome, then the fight will be enjoyed a lot more. [This part is not a critique of your story, but just general advice with regard to fights.]

If you've ever read Stephen Erickson, he has this amazing ability to protray unwordly strength - you can positively feel the tension of being around such beings. When facing the gillian it went too fast with regards to Alex's emotions around facing such a being for the first time. Alex can fight, but has not "killed" yet. The treshold from merely sparring or acting in self-defence to consciously "killing" a being (especially an enemy you know was once human) is difficult, but in this case can be rationalized as "freeing" the souls. I'd suggest him freezing up or not in the first big fight, and giving a reason for the choice. If "killing" does not sit well, nightmares would be suitable in the beginning (lots of plot-forewarding elements which can be used).

Otherwise I forgot to mention in the last post. Less is more ^^ - the more you can say with less is better (something I admit is the most difficult thing to do).

~ dragonfolder

[rhoenix]

Thank you for your thoughts, dragonfolder. It brought me face to face with several things about my own writing, and one of them is the fact that while I tried to work on my narration and description, it instead came off as far too wordy.

I'm going to spend some time tinkering with things, and see if I can still do what needs to be done with this story - if not, I'll start over with iteration #3.

[rhoenix]

Having torn down most of the storyline and rebuilt it from the ground up, it is my hope that the "overcomplication" aspect is resolved.

This chapter arose from that current level of preparation, so I look forward to seeing how this goes.

[frigidmagi]

Finished the story, kept notes. Never saw Bleach so, I'm going off only what's in this story.

1: Kelly comes off as a stuck up silly bitch, while these do exist in life, you're going over board. In the future tone it down. Give them good points for doing what they're doing.

2: Good seeing Alex get knocked around in the fights.

3: The Academy looks more like boot camp, which means actions of students against other students should be slammed down. Reavers have to work with each other, not against other right?

4: If it is bootcamp like, special classes are more likely to be harvested from regular classes. It's easier to grab them if they show they're exceptional then try to filter through them right at first. Hell why have the special class? If you're setting up a special force, why not put them through boot and then do additional training, which is what modern militiaries do for a reason.

Hope you continue.

[LadyTevar]

With that as a starter, I'd really like to see where you go from here with the idea. :)

[frigidmagi]

It is an interesting start and you did really well in conveying just how worn down and tired Shepard is in that scene.

[rhoenix]

Alright, feel free to rip the chapter apart.

[LadyTevar]

I know nothing of WarFrame, so I'm not sure what to say. It is going to be interesting to kill a fleet with only two armored warriors.

[rhoenix]

I know nothing of WarFrame, so I'm not sure what to say. It is going to be interesting to kill a fleet with only two armored warriors.

To be fair, it's not an entire fleet.

Yet.

It'll only be a 1 to 100 hundred ratio on the Terminus. "He who dares, wins," right? ;)

[LadyTevar]

Since I typed that, I checked up on the Warframe thread in Gaming. Maybe they can do it with an Alexander and a Loki. I'm guessing the angry one was a Rhino, but what was the last one?

[rhoenix]

Since I typed that, I checked up on the Warframe thread in Gaming. Maybe they can do it with an Alexander and a Loki. I'm guessing the angry one was a Rhino, but what was the last one?

Alexander has an Excalibur Prime, Khel has a Loki, and the two grouchy Tenno had a Frost Prime (the one who talked) and an Ash, respectively. I didn't want to overload the chapter with tangential detail, but those two will definitely be making an appearance later, as will their ideologies.

An Excalibur and a Loki are quite capable of causing immense amounts of confusion and mayhem, especially when working together to do so. They might not be able to cause as much raw destruction as some of the others, but they're both quite generally capable frames. I'll do my best to show this in all it's trollish glory in chapter 2 and beyond.

[LadyTevar]

OK :)
I saw in the clips what a normal Excalibur and Loki can do, so I have little doubt they are going to be very deadly in combat.

[rhoenix]

OK :)
I saw in the clips what a normal Excalibur and Loki can do, so I have little doubt they are going to be very deadly in combat.

I'll show this later in the story, but there isn't much of a practical difference between a normal version of a frame, and a Prime version, apart from gold accents and a color change. The only real difference between a normal frame and a Prime frame is a small thing, and you only see it in the Orokin Towers, where laser traps heal a Prime's energy rather than kill you.

The social differences though between a Prime and a non-Prime are a little more nuanced though.