Joke of the Day thread

[Jason_Firewalker]

Jean-Paul is the best french fighter pilot in their air force, he has only been shot down 5 times.... He takes this beautiful young woman down to a stream in Nice, bringing a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine and a bottle of congac along for their little tryst...

Soon enough they are making out and Jean Paul pours a some red wine over her lips as he is kissing her and she goes "What the hell?" and he says "I am Jean Paul, the finest French fighter pilot. When I have good meat I like a red wine!" She thinks this is romantic so she keeps making out with him.

Soon he is sucking on her tits. He pours the white wine over them proclaiming "I am Jean Paul, the finest French fighter pilot, when I eat dairy I must have white wine!" She thinks this is cute so she lets him continue.

Soon he gets her panties off and pours the congac on her crotch and lights it on fire proclaiming at the top of his lungs "I AM JEAN PAUL THE FINEST FRENCH FIGHTER PILOT!!!! WHEN I GO DOWN I GO DOWN IN FLAMES!!!!!!!"

[Jason_Firewalker]

News anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals.

They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The chief said, "I am familiar with your Western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job til the end." The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you jerks call ME the aggressor?!"

[frigidmagi]

hehehehehehehe.... I like that one.

[Jason_Firewalker]

I knew you would frigid... I somehow knew you would...

[Jason_Firewalker]

A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class.

He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God.

Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall.

Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine - just released from active duty and newly registered in the class - walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform.

The professor was out cold! At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent.

The class fell silent...waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to, shaken he looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was busy. He sent the Marines."

[frigidmagi]

I've told that joke a few times. Course I also think it's the height of arrogance on the part of the professor. Why should God care?

I'm not saying that the experiment proves either way that God exists, I'm just asking why an all powerful being would give enough of a shit to answer one jumped up plain ape on a piece of rock out in the boonies of the galaxy.

[Josh]

If you watch Godzilla backwards, it's about a giant lizard who passionately rebuilds Tokyo before moonwalking into the ocean.

Yes, I felt compelled to share.

[Josh]

If you watch Jeopardy backwards, three people pay a Canadian hundreds of dollars to answer simple questions.

[Dark Silver]

Boudreaux has a lil boy named Lil Timmy. Now Lil Timmy comes home from school and says "Daddy, where do I come from?"

Well now Little Timmy is 10 years old, and Boudreaux thinks it's high time that he gives Timmy the talk. So he pulls out the encylopedia and he opens it up and gives Timmy "De Talk" - he tells him about the birds and the bees and the boudin and the cracklins and the whole romantic experience then says "And dat's where you come from."

Lil Timmy looks at Boudreaux and says, "Meh Daddy, that's all good, but Lil Johnny say he from Geuydon, I wanna know where *I* come from!"

[Josh]

One of my clients forwarded this one to me and it was pretty good.


***
A leprechaun gets stuck in the water trap at a golf course. A man comes along and jumps right in to pull him out, dragging him out of the muck and setting him down safely on dry land.

"Thank you, sir!" says the leprechaun. "I am a leprechaun, and for saving me I will grant you three wishes!"

"Oh no," the man says. "Just doing what people should do and helping a person in trouble out. Be careful around the water, little fella!"

After the man leaves, the leprechaun says "Now there is a good man, and even though he didn't ask for anything I'm going to give him three. I'll give him good health, plenty of money, and an incredible sex life."

A few months later the leprechaun goes back to the golf course to find the guy and see how he's doing. When he finds him, he starts checking up on his handiwork. "So, how is life? How are you feeling these days?"

"Oh great!" the man enthuses. "I've never felt better! My back doesn't hurt anymore, I've got tons of energy, and I sleep great every night!"

"And how are you doing for money?" the leprechaun asks.

"It's weird! Every time I reach into my pocket there's a hundred that I didn't even know was there!"

"And your sex life?"

The man smiles and blushes a bit. "Never been better. I'm having sex at maybe once or twice a week."

"Once or twice a week?" the leprechaun asks, shocked. "That's it?"

"Well," says the man "that's not bad for a priest with a small country parish."

[Lys]

"It's weird! Every time I reach into my pocket there's a hundred that I didn't even know was there!"

That reminds me of the webcomic Beyond Temptation. A young woman saves a demon's life, and he thanks her by making it so that she can pull a bunch of money from her pocket any time she needs it. It's a fun story!

[Josh]

Me, I'd never leave the strip club.

...of course, I'd actually have to go and I haven't been to one in... fuck... a decade? Bit over?

[Josh]

This one is Kris' fault.

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

You can get a lentil on your face for free.