Reciprocally, of course it is the best to be chosen because of love, and is IS painful to discover that she chose you NOT because of love (in fact, that's my paranoia when I lived with my ex).
First, here's some cases when the chosen one is different than the loved one:
(1) The Case of Shirley and The Sailor
Shirley (not her real name, of course) is my co-worker. We flirted somewhat back then, but ended up as friends. The she told me her bitter story.
She fell in love with a sailor, really deeply, but turned out the sailor just played with her. In fact, the sailor hurt her so far by inviting her to his wedding! Out of tears, she told the him to stay away from her life forever, because she wanted to forget about him.
Sometimes later, Shirley got a boyfriend. She never fell in love with him, but she picked him anyway. Why? Because the guy is 'the Mr. Right'; responsible, kind, mature, and love her so much. Even I could see that this guy would make a perfect husband (unlike me, the 'Mr. Robert Langdon').
But then, she never really fell in love with him, no matter how hard she tried. And she did try. Not only she tried, but she was loyal as well; the affair between us didn't last long because she told me that she should be loyal to her boyfriend (actually I put her on friendship zone first, because I didn't fall in love with her).
However, when she told me the story above, I narrowed my eyes on her. I berated her for not telling the truth to his boyfriend. I told her that by pretending to love him, she will hurt his feelings much worse when he discover later. And I told her that he would know eventually. She asked me for advice and I told her to break up with him immediately before the things went too far, because the longer their relationship stay, the worse it will hurt her boyfriend when he discover later.
(well I believe I did the right thing at that time. Of course, she didn't hear my advice and they eventually broke up after longer than it should. I feel pity for her boyfriend.)
(2) The Case of My First Heartbreaker
Way back to college, I was rejected by someone I really love. Well actually it was my first 'serious' love (unlike those puppy love during highschool) only to discover that she loved someone else. Doesn't life suck?
Well so she chose and married the guy she loved, only to find her then husband is an asshole. I'm not going to tell much details but suffice to say her husband abandoned his responsibility and refused to support her and their two children, leaving her in hardship. But the worse of it, her husband refused to divorce her either! He doesn't wanna' lose her to other guy, but still he abandoned her as well.
Recently, I was briefly 'involved' with her; having dates and such (and she's cute; she actually looks like Heather Locklear
). It was nothing serious, though (at least the way I see it), to me our 'relationship' was trivial at best; she is cute, but I didn't really fall in love with her when we met again.But what really made me decide to end our relationship is when she told me that she still loved her husband. I appreciate her honesty, however.
While she admittted she still loved him, she also realized that there's no way in hell she would stay with him (experience is always a hard lesson). She told me she would go for a divorce no matter what, because her husband is a selfish, egomaniacal, irresponsible bastard who would bring only harm to the family (she said her husband even told her, with straight face, that he had a 'concubine' in other city, while still refusing to divorce her.).
On the other hand, she praised me as well for being so kind to her. She also told me that she regretted my decision of staying single, and she told me how she hoped that I would change and get married someday. On top of that, she kept telling me that I'm a responsible man that would make a good father and husband (WTF?).
I guess anyone can see that she actually expressed her interest to be serious with me, in subtle way.
Of course, that was also the moment when I decided to end the relationship with her. Why? Because she chose me NOT out of love, but out of her rational decision. While I appreciated her honesty, the fact that she still loved her husband is a big no-no. Let me say again: she did not love me, but she did choose me; she picked me out of her rational desires instead of love!
So I dumped her.
Well I didn't actually feel hurt because I didn't really love her anyway (it's been so long since I was in love with her), but I felt offended nonetheless.
Well, those stories above indicates that women are able to choose someone based on rational consideration (pardon if I sound sexist, but it's just my experience. I can be wrong, though). I don't mean it should be a bad thing, though. 'Rational consideration' does NOT have to be in "golddigging" context. What I mean if, women are able to choose someone who has good characters and personality (responsibility, sincerity, and such), although they don't fall in love with that guy.
Of course, it shouldn't always be that way. Heart and rational mind don't have to be contradict each other, and in most cases they don't have to. But what if you have to choose between the Mr/Miss Right, and the one you actually love?
So here's my questions:
(1) For the ladies, do women actually able to choose a 'Mr. Right' they don't love, over someone else that they actually love but a 'wrong guy'? (perhaps the loved guy is an asshole, or perhaps he simply doesn't love you back, etc)
I actually asked my female friends here, and most of them said that they can actually do it. In fact, one of my friends told me that she doesn't actually love her husband, but chose him because he's a good person and a responsible family man. She admitted that she still keeps someone else in his heart, but that guy is hopeless since he's only interested in her as fuckbuddy and nothing more.
(2) For fellow guys, what if you fall in love with someone, but turned out she's not the right one? Perhaps she's a bitch? Or perhaps she just doesn't love you back? Meanwhile, there is a right woman out there, expressing her interest on you. Would you be able to choose her?
As for myself, the answer is no. I have put five women on friendship zone because I simply didn't fall in love with them. And I believe I did the right thing since I cannot force myself to 'love' someone.
(but again, a friend whom I put on friendship zone, told me that she married her husband because 'he is a good and responsible man, and he loves me so much', while she also admitted that it would be hopeless for her to wait for me. The funny thing is she still shows her crush on me, although she knows where to draw the line and keeps loyal to her husband.)
I got the impression that most guys would choose to be single instead of being married with someone they don't love (perhaps you still remember the ARSE thread in SDN I wrote: "Can you marry for reasons other than love?", and most guys replied with 'NO'). But am I correct? Would you marry the 'Miss Right', despite you don't fall in love with her, just for the sake of building a family?
(3) If someone choose you simply because you are the Mr/Miss Right, BUT she/he does NOT fall in love with you, would you accept her/him?
(For example, they choose you because they want to build a good family, and they appreciate your good character and such.)
Would you accept her/him? Or would you be offended, knowing that she/he chooses you merely because your positive attributes, and NOT because she/he actually falls in love with you?
As for myself, it depends:
- If I really in love with the woman who chooses me but doesn't love me, then I would be really HURT. It's most likely that I would break the relationship despite I love her (so when I dump someone, it doesn't have to mean that I don't love her).
- If I don't love her, well, I will be slightly offended at most, but I'll just laugh and shrug. I'm still willing to be her friend, though. But nothing more than that.
4 And here's the poll question:
There is someone you really love.... Which circumstances that hurts you more?
(a) She/he loves you, but circumstances (fate?) dictate that she/he has to marry another man/woman. Would it actually hurt you, knowing the one you love marry another person? Or would it be actually comforting knowing that you both actually love each other deep down inside?
(b) She/he does NOT love you, but chooses you because you are the Right Person, while the one she/he actually loves is the wrong person. Would it actually hurt you, knowing that your wife/husband actually loves someone else? Or would it be comforting, knowing that the one your love is together with you, despite the fact she/he is not in love with you?
As for me, I would rather choose the option (a). If I have to choose, I'd rather be loved instead of be chosen.
:thumbsup
