Feedback for Rhoenix/Windswept

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Fri Dec 22, 2006 4:23 pm

(content irrelevant, due to Twin Helix being reposted here)

Welcome to my feedback thread. Enjoy many thoughts, both relevant and inane.

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Fri Dec 22, 2006 10:29 pm

Because every author needs a Comment thread. :)

And my comment on his 60-chapter novel? Send it to WhiteWolf for possible publication, dammit!

Ace Pace · Post by **Ace Pace** » Sat Dec 23, 2006 6:09 am

Quite good, needs some polish and typo fixing, which I've been sending to Rhoenix as I find it, but I like it.

Up to chapter 28.

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Sat Dec 23, 2006 4:30 pm

Ace, it still cracks me up that you're finding typos and such after more than two years. ;)

Please, keep sending your thoughts and typo suggestions - you're giving me ideas for the rewrite, and helping me feel better about my earlier work as well.

Thank you both, and very much!

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 2:28 pm

Addendum: I know it's rude to bump one's own post, but any and all thoughts on the plot & characters are appreciated, as I'm going to be rewriting it from the ground up, and with all my original ideas.

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 5:43 pm

Stuff like this goes here

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Sun Oct 07, 2007 2:38 am

Thank you.

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Fri Oct 12, 2007 2:17 pm

Yes, I know the Transformers backstory I'm writing is mediocre. You don't have to say it.

EDIT: I'm not trying to fish for complements, lest anyone get the wrong idea. I'm just unsatisfied with it.

Cynical Cat · Post by **Cynical Cat** » Fri Oct 12, 2007 3:05 pm

rhoenix wrote:Yes, I know the Transformers backstory I'm writing is mediocre. You don't have to say it.

EDIT: I'm not trying to fish for complements, lest anyone get the wrong idea. I'm just unsatisfied with it.

Trust me, I know exactly how that is. It says what you want it to say, but doesn't convey the scene the way you want it to come across. Frustrating as hell.

I just accept the damn thing and come back and edit the fuck out of it later.

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Fri Oct 12, 2007 3:07 pm

Cynical Cat wrote:I just accept the damn thing and come back and edit the fuck out of it later.

That's exactly where I'm at. I'll edit the living shit out of it later - right now, I'll just work on getting it complete.

(edit: speaking of editing for clarity...)

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Fri Oct 12, 2007 5:09 pm

Merged Twin Helix with the Feedback thread

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Mon Feb 11, 2008 2:51 pm

I thought you posted these before on LibArc. Was it only on SDnet?

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Mon Feb 11, 2008 3:51 pm

LadyTevar wrote:I thought you posted these before on LibArc. Was it only on SDnet?

Sadly yes - I only posted these on SDnet before, so thought I'd fix that.

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Thu Apr 10, 2008 4:48 pm

Quick question; but first, some background that makes the question short.

I'm planning on including Writer's Notes for my new story, but won't be posting them in the actual chapters; instead, I was planning on posting them in this thread.

So, the question - have any other writers here done this, and if so: did you include the writer's notes in your feedback thread, or did you make a new one?

Thanks in advance.

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Thu Apr 10, 2008 5:16 pm

Post the Notes here, hon

Marcao · Post by **Marcao** » Wed Nov 25, 2009 8:50 am

Hmm, so here we see one of the fundamental differences between Erik and Kel. Erik would undobtedly take power, since with it he could affect whatever changes he desired. I envy the Jedi ability to commune/interact with the dead. It opens so many possibilities in a story.

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Wed Nov 25, 2009 4:25 pm

Marcao wrote:Hmm, so here we see one of the fundamental differences between Erik and Kel. Erik would undobtedly take power, since with it he could affect whatever changes he desired. I envy the Jedi ability to commune/interact with the dead. It opens so many possibilities in a story.

It did, but I tried to avoid giving the impression that Jedi just have a chorus of dead people to get advice from. They go to that place within themselves where illusions don't matter anymore, where the Force is - but they rarely hear any replies. After all, the only ones who would reply are effectively Force ghosts, and I imagine they usually have shit to do. Kel had an exception because it was felt that he needed a kick in the ass.

But, this also means he's going to be acting a bit more differently from now on.

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Thu Feb 04, 2010 6:08 pm

Very interesting, and very nasty to see he came out with a mask.

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Thu Feb 04, 2010 6:49 pm

LadyTevar wrote:Very interesting, and very nasty to see he came out with a mask.

Remember that mask - it's going to bite him later.

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Thu Feb 04, 2010 11:22 pm

Writer's notes for Chapter 1 (since I forgot to post them beforehand):

- Maelstrom is inspired by the character Captain Hitsugaya's souledge, Hyorinmaru, which is the great ice dragon. Maelstrom's element should be easy to guess. Amusingly, Maelstrom was inspired by my character Sees-Faces-In-Stars in Ladytevar's Werewolf game, and his experiences speaking with the wind spirits. As for the grey and dark green coloring of the hilt, that was inspired by my "new" car, which is dark green with grey undertones.

- Terminology is a sticking point sometimes - I'm going to run with the idea that when you're a spirit, everyone speaks the same language, even Hollows (though they usually prefer to just make scary noises and eat people). Therefore, though there may be some familiar characters, I'll have the terms and souledges' names translated, partially because I don't know any Japanese, and also because of the earlier idea of "everyone speaks the same language." Therefore, there are some terms I've come up with that haven't come up in the show so far, and I'll elaborate the new ones I come up with in each Writer's Notes, though I'll usually do my best to have them explained in context.

Spirit: Technically, this describes all beings that have a consciousness of some sort. Most of the time, this refers to the formerly-living humans to denote a human that's no longer alive, but has not passed on to another life yet.

Reaper: In short, this is a spirit that can hear its souledge, has received training in how to use their abilities, and has received a place in the Reaper military hierarchy.

Hollow: A spirit that has either lost its connection to its body, and fell to the soul-chain encroaching (as what almost happened to Alex), or who died a traumatic death without resolution. Hollows have a hierarchy of power, and each individual Hollow gains power by devouring other spirits - whether they belong to a regular living human, human spirit, Reaper, or Hollow, they don't care.

Energetic signature: In concise terms, can be thought of as an "aura" around a spiritual being. This signature usually can indicate current emotional state, basic type of spiritual being, how powerful the being is relatively, and if the viewer has acute senses, what sort of energies are strongest within the being. Alex would be described as having an ethereal, flowing, heavy signature that never stops moving around him.

Society of Souls: This is the place where spirits live, after being properly sent by a Reaper from the world of the living. Most spirits here live out their lives much like they would in the world of the living, albeit with lower average technology. In the center of the four areas of the Society of Souls sits the Seireitei (or "Court of Pure Souls," which is where the Reapers live and train).

Souledge: Known as "zanpakuto" in the series. A Souledge is a weapon borne when a spirit's connection to its body is gone, though there is conjecture as to how exactly this occurs; some theories say that when a spirit is freed of its body, it attracts a souledge spirit, and other theories say that a souledge is always with a particular spirit, that its merely a question of the strength of the spirit that determines whether or not a connection can be made. Not very many spirits are able to hear their souledge speaking, and if a spirit can't hear it, a spirit certainly can't use it. They almost always take the form of a sword of some type. All Reapers have a souledge - in fact, having one and knowing its name is a requirement to become an official Reaper.

Awakening, First Stage: Called an "awakening" in shorthand, a Reaper and their souledge have reached an accord by this point - perhaps not friends, but they certainly have learned to trust one another. At this point, the souledge's basic abilities can be explored, including its true form (which may be a sword, but usually takes the form of a melee weapon of some sort). Mastering all the abilities of the First Stage Awakening is meant to take quite a while. Reaching this point is required to gain a titled office or seat of any sort as part of the Reaper hierarchy. You won't see this for a while.

Awakening, Final Stage: Signifying that a Reaper and their souledge have learned to work together in concert to an amazing degree, this stage requires that the souledge and the Reaper be able to synchronize their energetic signatures. Once this can be accomplished, the Reaper can use the "hidden" abilities of their souledge (which are also vastly more powerful), but most of them can only be unleashed while the Final Stage Awakening is active. Reaching this point is a requirement to become a Captain or higher in the Reaper hierarchy. You won't see this for quite a while.

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Fri Feb 05, 2010 2:35 am

Writer's notes for Chapter 2:

Yes, there are several stages of Hollows, and for the unfamiliar, I'll go over their hierarchy in future chapters. I mean, the main character is now enrolled in a proper school for it, so this will be my clever way to dodge having to break the reader in through narration.

If you want a hint as to which Hollow it is within him now, your hint is that he's an Espada that Ichigo managed to kill eventually, though that sequence hasn't yet hit the anime (as of ep. 256, which is now the most current).

Even if you can't begin to guess, yes, this does mean he has only a short time to get his ass in gear before it wakes up. Fortunately, he can devote his entire day to doing so now.

As for Nemu Kurotsuchi, Captain Urahara, and Captain-Commander Hirako...yes, they're from the show, and I've arranged some behind the scenes history for them as well to explain their current situation.

I'll be using some supporting cast members from the show, but not unless they'd be better at their role than a character I could create.

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Fri Feb 05, 2010 8:00 pm

I think it's a great story so far :)

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Sun Feb 07, 2010 6:33 pm

LadyTevar wrote:I think it's a great story so far :)

Thank you!

I made minor edits to chapter 2; there are now Fourteen Divisions (instead of seven or even Thirteen - I mean, someone had to add the Arcana Corps at some point), and the R&D Division is back to what it should be: 12.

rhoenix · Post by **rhoenix** » Sun Feb 07, 2010 10:32 pm

Writer's notes for Chapter 3:

Hurrah for schooltime - or something. I gave a small hint as to who the Hollow within Alex is - if you think you know, please don't spoil it by posting here.

And yes, for those of you who watch the show, "flickering" is "shunpo," just as "arcana" is "kido," "unarmed combat" is "hakuda," and "souledge combat" is "zanjutsu."

And yes, for the curious, Nanao Ise, the Vice-Captain of the Eighth Division is their teacher. If you know who she is, I'm sure you'll be feeling sorry for the students more than the other readers.

EDIT: I've also edited the conversation between Alex and Nemu in Chapter 2, when they discussed Hollows - thanks to a friend proof-reading, I saw that Hollows haven't been well explained, and Nemu is one of the best people to do so. I've also edited the scenes with the Hollows in Chapters 1 and 2 to give a bit more detail about them, to make them feel like the visceral predators they are, and not some vague phantasmal things.

EDIT 2: Edited what he learned and practiced. No no, no flickering yet - that comes next chapter. Oho yes.

LadyTevar · Post by **LadyTevar** » Mon Feb 08, 2010 6:51 am

Yes, Nanao Ise is going to be the toughest teacher around. Look who she has to put up with!

Great Chapter, I'm really rocking this

LibriumArcana.Games

Feedback for Rhoenix/Windswept

#1 Feedback for Rhoenix/Windswept

#2 Feedback for Rhoenix

#3

#4

#5

#6

#7

#8

#9

#10

#11

#12

#13

#14

#15

#16

#17

#18

#19

#20

#21

#22

#23

#24

#25