Author Feedback: The Grim Squeaker

[The Grim Squeaker]

Fire away, I'm not going to improve otherwise and I really want to learn and improve :).


First question to anyone who's read my fics, would it help if I put a space between every line? I've seen it done in many fics and FF.net and it seems to improve readability at the cost of grammatical structure

[The Grim Squeaker]

Hunting the Hunters finished (Quite a while ago).
It'll probably be a bit of time till I start working on its sequel. (I have 2 15-30% done fics to copy to the computer first before I even start writing it, let alone uptyping it).

New fic started The 4th war, its a new crossover fic based on Samurai Jack and Marvel's "Secret Wars".

[frigidmagi]

Did you just cross Samurai Jack with Warhammer 40k?

[The Grim Squeaker]

Did you just cross Samurai Jack with Warhammer 40k?

Yup (Though only one character), and "The Malazan books of the fallen".

The additional characters from other verses will appear in the next few chapters (I just have to copy them, since I have 7 chapters written, though I've now reached a minors writing block).

I'm surprised that no one's mentioned the fact that this is the first example of Abaddon getting ass-raped by a tentacle demon (That I know of)

[frigidmagi]

I'm trying very hard to repress that memory thank you very much?

[The Grim Squeaker]

I'm trying very hard to repress that memory thank you very much?

I'm happy to have achieved the minimum level of sexual perversion required for anyone involved with LA's members or SD

[frigidmagi]

Notes on the Dragon fic.

It kinda feels like you're shooting for a modernist sytle of military organization, if you are, an officer wouldn't be leading a squad. Officer leadership starts at the platoon level. If you're not then disregard, just try to make sure the organization is somewhat consistant.

It's better not to wear breastplates over chainmail, it's more discomfort for no extra protection. Did you mean ringmail sleeves and leggings attacted to a breastplate? That would be an good set of armor that's not mind numbingly expensive. Plus troops could still run in it.

Hand motions sounded a bit to complex, remember troops have to be able to tell what it is from a distance. Honestly they don't need know possible passive danger stop. They just need to know stop, now.

I hope you keep going with this and 4th war.

[The Grim Squeaker]

Notes on the Dragon fic.

First of all, thank you very much for the comments and critique :).

It kinda feels like you're shooting for a modernist sytle of military organization, if you are, an officer wouldn't be leading a squad.

I'm trying to show a relatively "realistic" (Not necessarily modernistic), I frankly know almost nothing of command levels despite researching it in wikipedia (The fic takes place in Faerun).

Officer leadership starts at the platoon level.

Ah, how many men in a platoon?
And what "rank" would lead a squad of 14 veteran men? (
I asked a military buff here and he said that a lieutenant could command a squad, but I fear he may not have been paying enough attention)

If you're not then disregard, just try to make sure the organization is somewhat consistant.

I'll try, though frankly I need to find a good source of a well equipped army with elves & half elves in it.
Ah wait, theres that whole Elven return thing, I just need to find the region.

It's better not to wear breastplates over chainmail, it's more discomfort for no extra protection. Did you mean ringmail sleeves and leggings attacted to a breastplate? That would be an good set of armor that's not mind numbingly expensive. Plus troops could still run in it.

Yeah, I meant ring mail:oops: all over and a few "plates" in certain ares (Since they would be prepared for potentially slow but powerful foes, tail or bite for example).
Would you mind if I stole your suggestions and edited them in? ;).

Hand motions sounded a bit to complex, remember troops have to be able to tell what it is from a distance.

The first occasion is a private communique between the trapster and commander, this is meant to be a bit of a "high end" squad, still you raise a valid point (The second & last usage in the fic is more logical).
I'll keep your suggestion in mind.

Honestly they don't need know possible passive danger stop. They just need to know stop, now.

Yeah, but stop, "Raise your weapons" or "Stop, its a trap"?
Still I tend to nitpick at specifics, and I can see "Stop" being all thats needed in a battlefield, You're right.

I hope you keep going with this and 4th war.

And the Predator/Yautja Fic .
I still have a few written pages to uptype to a computer of this fic, then I need to deal with my writing block over 4th war (How to introduce Kurse, that is the question).
Still I'm really enjoying this fic, Its got (Will have) character development, a non 2d "villian", Dragons, more dragons and a focus on a dragon and epic elements.
I just need someone to make sure I don't Mary Sue the incredibly powerful Dragon(s).
(I stopped myself from having it be a half time elemental just in time, curse my dragon wanking)

[LadyTevar]

Squeaker, you really need to work on simple writing techniques. "Dragon" was painful to read because of the weird paragraphs, the awkward sentences, and the damn parentheses that I've complained about before. Before you post more, have someone else read over your writing to make sure the story flows. Right now everything you've posted so far that I've read has been jerkier than a hand-held camera filming Bigfoot.

[The Grim Squeaker]

Squeaker, you really need to work on simple writing techniques. "Dragon" was painful to read because of the weird paragraphs, the awkward sentences, and the damn parentheses that I've complained about before. Before you post more, have someone else read over your writing to make sure the story flows. Right now everything you've posted so far that I've read has been jerkier than a hand-held camera filming Bigfoot.

Thank you for the critique, I'll try to find a proof reader (Though its a problem in RL due to a lack of candidates who speak English).

If anyones interested in a proof-reading arrangement (I'll do yours if you do mine ;)) then please post here about it or PM me

[frigidmagi]

I'm trying to show a relatively "realistic" (Not necessarily modernistic), I frankly know almost nothing of command levels despite researching it in wikipedia (The fic takes place in Faerun).

Problem with this is on many levels. A realistic force using melee weapons in a fuedal enviroment is going to be sturctured differently then a modern force using rifles and other firearms. Also if it takes place on Fearun you should chose a region and a nation and use that structure, most of them have a rough one outlined somewhere.

Ah, how many men in a platoon?
And what "rank" would lead a squad of 14 veteran men? (
I asked a military buff here and he said that a lieutenant could command a squad, but I fear he may not have been paying enough attention)

Roughly 40 to 60 depending on the armed force in question. The modern USMC builds a squad from 3, 4 man fireteams plus squad leader. This means 13 men in a squad. There are 3 squads. Add in 4 or 5 senior NCOs and one green as grass LT. A mission like this is really more of a special forces kinda of affair. I wouldn't send a bunch of line infantry to get a dragon egg, their skills are all wrong for that. You would want veterans who have done alot of..."odd" jobs. The only reason they would be Pvts is they're hardcases who like to cause trouble. Those guys can be story gold sometimes.

Yeah, but stop, "Raise your weapons" or "Stop, its a trap"?
Still I tend to nitpick at specifics, and I can see "Stop" being all thats needed in a battlefield, You're right.

Anytime you stop you raise your weapons and perpare for a fight.


Additionally you may want to go back to the drawing board and research your story. You need to nail down the region and army in Fearun these guys belong to, as well as why they're psycho enough to attempt kidnapping a dragon child. Also you need to decide what kind of dragon it is. Good aligned meticallics as a rule don't eat people, they will kill an entire squad for attempting to steal their child but what would you expect?

You may be better off moving this story off Fearun completely and ditching the DnD expections. Also you should listen to Tev.

[The Grim Squeaker]

I'm trying to show a relatively "realistic" (Not necessarily modernistic), I frankly know almost nothing of command levels despite researching it in wikipedia (The fic takes place in Faerun).

Problem with this is on many levels. A realistic force using melee weapons in a fuedal enviroment is going to be sturctured differently then a modern force using rifles and other firearms.

Then how would it be structured? I'm not going into details, just enough consistancy to prevent SoD.

Also if it takes place on Fearun you should chose a region and a nation and use that structure, most of them have a rough one outlined somewhere.

I was thinking of Cormyr due to the strong population base & organized army & Warmage system as well as notable native elven population.

Ah, how many men in a platoon?
And what "rank" would lead a squad of 14 veteran men? (
I asked a military buff here and he said that a lieutenant could command a squad, but I fear he may not have been paying enough attention)

Roughly 40 to 60 depending on the armed force in question. The modern USMC builds a squad from 3, 4 man fireteams plus squad leader. This means 13 men in a squad. There are 3 squads. Add in 4 or 5 senior NCOs and one green as grass LT.

Er, but I did have a newly promoted 2d liutenant (With extensive experience compared to a human since he's an elf).

A mission like this is really more of a special forces kinda of affair. I wouldn't send a bunch of line infantry to get a dragon egg, their skills are all wrong for that. You would want veterans who have done alot of..."odd" jobs. The only reason they would be Pvts is they're hardcases who like to cause trouble.

I did build them up as having a high level of skills (slaughtering a chimaera on the way and not mutinying at the sight of the horde).
They also have 2 experts with them, the men are meant to be there for a high level of loyalty, obedience, skills and expertise at monster killing & dealing with magical beasts.
Cannon fodder true, but reliable high end ones.
(Its just that its hard for non epic characters to shine against a CR 31 Mature Adult Force Dragon without knowing about its existence, Force dragons are incredibly rare).

Those guys can be story gold sometimes.

Well I'm afraid that they aren't the story's focus, have you read the end yet? ;).

Additionally you may want to go back to the drawing board and research your story. You need to nail down the region and army in Fearun these guys belong to

True, I really need to bring a sourcebook here with me, though I still need a source on army organizations & structures in Faerun. (Time to suck up to Nitram in other words)

as well as why they're psycho enough to attempt kidnapping a dragon child.

They thought it was an abandoned egg (They didn't know about the fact that "Mom" was still around due to daily invisibility usage and the low & infrequent levels of feeding by Epic dragons [Who can eat magic]).
The worst that they feared could happen was a hatched dragon wyrmling of a random breed, if metallic they'd have left it alone, if chromatic they'd have killed it [They were prepared for a "worst case" scenario of the beast hatching].

Also you need to decide what kind of dragon it is.

I have, its a Force Dragon. (Epic Dragon variant from the epic level handbook).
Thats the reason there were Force walls everywhere and the Explosion of Force (soundless, invisible) energy from the pearls didn't even scratch it. (Its also constantly "blurred" at that age and a Wyrm is constantly invisible, therefore the usage of invisibility spells is quite logical for one with such an affinity for that branch of arcana)

Good aligned meticallics as a rule don't eat people, they will kill an entire squad for attempting to steal their child but what would you expect?

Yup, Epic dragons tend towards neutrality but not strongly [compared to CE Reds for example].

The dragon would of course have turned them into something small & nasty if they had touched the egg (Which wasn't inhabited, the Dragon had hatched over a month ago, the "Egg" sequences were at a seperate chronological date).
As it was the Dragon decided merely to use them as "looting" practice, and when they annoyed her she ate one and sent the rest flying
(To make sure they'd spread the word and keep any army units away, typical adventurer groups aren't going to bother a grown Force Dragon).

You may be better off moving this story off Fearun completely and ditching the DnD expections. Also you should listen to Tev.

Maybe, but I'm using the D&D elements as is, I may use another world but I don't have the time for worldbuilding & geo-politics as is.
And I will listen to Tev, know I need to find a proof reader to explain whats wrong with my grammar to me.

[frigidmagi]

Bit of advice, slow down on the character introduction, at last count you're in the double digits of universes being crossed here. Not every reader is going to know whose a Marvel comic character, whose a fantasy novel character and whose from a video game.

[The Grim Squeaker]

Yeah, I'm going to start a "Dramatis personae" at the start of the story.
As it is only 3 characters from the same universe to go and thats that (I think), Seguleh here we come

[The Grim Squeaker]

I'm finally working on updating the 4th war (After leaving the Yoda/Samus fight on a final cliffhanger in fine Pulp tradition) as well as a few lengthy updates to "Tales of the Dragons".
Any comments?

Also, what do you think of the Poetry I wrote last night?
(And that I tried to teach myself experimental Haiku/Poem writing at about 11PM while in a drawn out group discussion due to boredom)

[Lia]

Were you using that strategy where you start with quotes, then expand on them, with the poetry?

[The Grim Squeaker]

Were you using that strategy where you start with quotes, then expand on them, with the poetry?

Which strategy

[The Grim Squeaker]

Well as I promised all those many weeks ago I finally added a (lengthy) update to Tales of the Dragons Finally showing some new Dragons and new characters as well as a time jump and some foreshadowing.
Also I finally added a nice long action packed chapter to The 4th war Featuring Barbarian on Barbarian fighting (Karsa Orlong vs "The Scotsman"). Can anyone tell me if I managed to write a decent action scene for once in my life or is it too sparse?

[Lia]

Were you using that strategy where you start with quotes, then expand on them, with the poetry?

Which strategy

I forget what it's called...I'm a terrible English major. But you take a snippet from a well-known poem and use it to begin from, then branch off with your own ideas. Like in that old Brahma poem by...er...that one pompus guy.
(Yeah, that does describe most Modernist poets...)

[frigidmagi]

So... You're into Green on Green violence?

Isn't the modern Hulk smarter then how you're presenting him? I mean he was smart enough to be a good emperor for a whole planet.

[The Grim Squeaker]

So... You're into Green on Green violence?

Hawt

Isn't the modern Hulk smarter then how you're presenting him?

He was during Planet Hulk and slightly smarter during the prologue to it. (He got an overall IQ boost to somewhere between the Professor and Savage incarnation under the table).
He is smarter than he "thinks"/monologues, since one of the aspects of the Hulk is a certain primordial cunning, him thinking in single syllables and lacking oratory skills (If only due to the fact that he hasn't needed them up till now) does not mean that he isn't a cunning beast with a brain underneath all of that.
In addition blasts through hyperspace and the Warp and varied levels of radiation tend to do wonders for ones mind. (Or Minds).

I mean he was smart enough to be a good emperor for a whole planet.

Keep in mind that he got there by focusing quite basic alliances and pounding the shit out of any who didn't ally with him, as well as not taking things for granted - Not by Machiavellian politics and maneuvering.

And Thank you very much for the comment and Critique

[frigidmagi]

I'm not talking about how he got there, I'm talking about how he ruled. The opening of Hulk Wars makes it very clear that the planet was doing damn well under his rule.

Other then that it should be interesting. Will Hulk be immune to 40K weaponary? Orks typically have Alien or Human slaves, what will Hulk do about that? I expect to see these questions answered in your story (not all at once mind).

[The Grim Squeaker]

I'm not talking about how he got there, I'm talking about how he ruled.

Which was relatively simple - His predecessor was a racist Xenophobe who used giant killer robots at a whim on peasants and oppressed or slaughtered whole species with horrific bioweapons.
Hulk quite simply said "Enough of fighting each other, lets live in peace and anyone who doesn't agree gets the SAkaarson's sword up his rear". (He had his warbound & allies do most of the negotiations, Arch3E and Wildebots for example).

The opening of Hulk Wars makes it very clear that the planet was doing damn well under his rule.

Indeed, but his predeccesor was a monster and the sire to a lineage of monstrous oppresion.
Being fair and cunning does not mean being a genius. Still, Hulk's speech skills will be better than his inner dialogue, I'll promise you that.

Other then that it should be interesting. Will Hulk be immune to 40K weaponary?

Hulk as he is now (Weak as a Gretchin) or A giant Green rampaging beast that can toss modern tanks aside? Wait and see ;).

Orks typically have Alien or Human slaves, what will Hulk do about that?

Same thing he did in Planet hulk. Of course, the results need not be the same. (I also need to work on how to make a Tyranid version of Brood, perhaps a mutated Genestealer or splinter that got left behind rather like the one that got mixed up with the Istavaanian Inquisitor in "At what price victory"?). Any ideas?

I expect to see these questions answered in your story (not all at once mind).

It'll be a while, this has given me the impetus to actually start copying up the next half chapter in my Hellsing/Grey knights fic, so it'll be a while.

Still I'll definetly get cracking on it, And thank you again for the critique

[The Grim Squeaker]

My first ever posted and updated F.FicExterminatus^2 Has been updated and edited. Tell me if it sucks less now :P. (The update is the third post ;)).

I've also posted what would have been the draft of the base for my submission to the BL "Planetkill" contest (I got the idea 3 days too late, so I scrapped then re-wrote it and posted the first part here, it wouldn't have gotten though any rounds but any attempt would have been better than none :P).
"Planet Hunt" (40k) Tell me what you think :).


I've also posted 4 new poems that I wrote and forgot to post ages ago. (These are slightly different in style, though again I can't be damned to research the genre name they match).

(Yeah, that does describe most Modernist poets...)

Why "Modernist" poets? the word seems superflous? :P