Author Feedback- Josh

[Josh]

Plaudits, laudations, excoriations and death threats all go here.

That way I can keep track of them.

[Josh]

Also, anything you think is good was probably the bang-up work by my co-writer Kris Perron. Anything that tweaks your nose like a supremely unpleasant odor was definitely mine.

[Norseman]

Well I got to make some comments on things that need to be improved. You can take for granted that the basic set-up is fine. That is the tidally locked world, the generation ships, etc, etc. However I've got some quibbles:

1. It doesn't feel like some Old Timer talking about how his town or state was settled. Try looking at documentaries where they have an old guy go on at length about some subject or other. There are digressions (usually minor since by then it has been edited), there are places where he leaves out information and has to be asked about it, there are anecdotes to illustrate a point, and it feels "chattier."

2. Jarring shifts in register. If this is meant to be a plain-spoken man he can't use words like phenomenal etc. Often complicated words are used when simpler one would do the job better ("features" instead of "place" or just "them").

3. With things like "Filthy, disgusting habit of our species akin to what dogs do with their waste", which are clearly riffs of bible or classical quotes, you'd be better off citing the original. For one "As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly," or the NIV version brings in both the gravitas of the bible and illustrates the point better anyway.

4. Names. I think you should go entirely with official names falling out of use in favour of what people actually living there called things. If people actually use a fancy name for a place then it tends to stay put. For instance in Norway there are places called "Torshov", basically "Thor's Temple." Suffice it to say there hasn't been a temple to Thor there for a long, long time. This is a minor quibble.

5. The ending. From "Okay, I’m officially rambling at this point" to "Catch me next time." Ties in heavily with #1 in that you are apparently going for a "chat at the general store" kind of deal, which flat out doesn't work.

I have three suggestions, feel free to use or reject as you see fit:

Make this into a series of vignettes where various characters talk about various aspects of the colonization. A biologist or farmer talking about local wildlife; a miner about the mountains; an engineer about ... well trying to make the settlement work. Have this be either brief enough that you can believe that this is what an individual has to say on the subject, or else show the questions being asked.

OR

Do this in the form of a proper dialogue between an outsider of some sort, and a relatively well-informed native. As an idea, if the outsider is (temporarily say) blinded then you can have sections where the native reads out loud from books or articles. Maybe stopping at certain points to comment, or being interrupted.

OR

Flat out do this as a kid reading out loud a presentation to the class about how their homeworld was settled. That would justify rambling, including information that is obviously there to get to the right word-count, and so forth.

[Josh]

Eeeeeexcellent in terms of narrative, but what I'm really looking for here is to flesh out the world since this isn't a production piece.

#2, that wasn't intentional, just sort of my typical language when I'm rambling myself. However, in the setting itself I've been playing with the idea that the country folk deliberately use more formal language as a way of distinguishing themselves from the city folk and the dump-offs.

#3, I didn't even realize I was riffing a quote there.

#4, To give some backstory on my... ahem... backstory, this entire venture goes sour over the course of seventy years. At first it's a big adventure being conducted in part 'because it's there' in the fashion of the Apollo Program, but then over time people start wondering at the cost-benefit analysis. Various independent asteroid colonies start either pulling back support or demanding some sort of return on the investment. On the ground, conditions for the colonists start to deteriorate as support drops, then the real kicker comes- the Bristol Collective negotiates deals with multiple colonies to take on their prison populations and store them groundside. At first they actually build prison facilities and staff them with guards and the like, but eventually as financial constraints come into play they just start dumping them in the wilderness zones. This of course tends to increase the level of friction with the original colonists, who start to seriously drift from their ties to the Collective. So the rejection of the names on the map comes about as a way of sticking it to the man.

#5, and there's where the thinly-veiled self-insertion came in because I realized I was rambling at that point.