Things I've learned in gaming

[Charon]

This is kinda different from the Player Quotes thread so I thought it might deserve a new thread. But anyway, this is for all those fucked up situations that you (or your party) have gotten into that are just amazing. True stories only.

1. You can cause accidental diablerie. (Vampire: The Masquerade)
2. Using entropy to win the million dollars in the McDonald's monopoly thing will give you paradox (Mage)
3. Called shot rectum is perfectly acceptable when fighting a mokole. (Vampire: The Masquerade)
4. Fomori can choke to death on their drinks. (Mage)
5. When flying through the air it is a perfectly acceptable tactic to use yourself as a guided missile. (D20: BESM)
6. Vampires and space stations never mix, I don't care how well the glass blocks out UV rays. (Vampire: The Masquerade)
7. Hitting Caine with a stick to distract him can work. (Vampire: The Masquerade)
8. Increasing somethings density and then using a disintigration ray is a bad idea. (GURPS)
9. Always know what your delusional mechanic is up to. He might just be building a second bridge in your engine room. (Serenity)

[SirNitram]

1. A Halfling with Spiderwalk cast on him is a perfectly acceptable grappling hook, if you tie a rope around his waist.
2. No matter what rank you are, do not attempt to staredown the Redcap just because you're a Garou. You will lose.
3. No matter what, there is an audience who will consider it coincidental magic.
4. No one is allowed to give the ex-military's PC explosives.
5. The escape artist should always have an 'Otherwise innocolous powder, composed of iron oxide and charcoal'. No lock holds against thermite.
6. 'Nuke it from orbit' is a valid strategy in any situation you can acheive orbit.
7. Not only does Netherese magic restore Rael starships, it gives them an FTL engine.
8. If Martin asks for 'A few kilograms of P-239' and 'A dash of H3, if you have it', a plot-critical villain's days are numbered.
9. If Tev gets a sword, it will be a sentient sword of dragonslaying.

[Stofsk]

6. Vampires and space stations never mix, I don't care how well the glass blocks out UV rays.

I agree.

[B4UTRUST]

1) I'm never allowed to play a Kender
2) I'm never allowed to play a Lawful-Good Paladin, even if it's a bet
3) Blaring Iron Man from the speakers of your mech while riding into battle will make you the target
4) There's always one more cultist...
5) No matter how innocent, charming, cute or pathetic the child is... kill it. You'll be better off in the long run.
6) Never trust the rogue...
7) If the Kender says oops, run.
8) If the Kender says I didn't mean to, run faster.
9) Giving a Kender a bag of infinite holding is ALWAYS a bad idea.

[LadyTevar]

9. If Tev gets a sword, it will be a sentient sword of dragonslaying.

Ahem: That should read "If Tev's shapeshifted copper dragon gets a sword, it will be a Sentient sword of Copper Dragon slaying."

Tev: I pull my sword!
DM plays sword: FOUL BEAST!
Tev pantomines dropping sword and pulling another weapon. Room explodes into laughter

Things I learned from Gaming:
1. ICE fumble tables are always fun. Especially the invisible undead turtle I kept tripping over.
2. If the game has a way for the entire party to pool their strength into one mighty blow against the villian, Do It. Then enjoy the DM's look of shock and dismay as you overkill his Huge Mighty Horrible Necromancer.
3. When you try the same trick the next time, expect the DM to have a way to transfer the damage to a lowly skeleton. It powdered.
4. Dispel Magic is a wonderful spell. So is FlashDance (teleport 50' in any direction). And both are Quick Actions
5. "THAT'S NO TAIL!" is the sweetest thing to hear when you're DMing and describe a monster with a huge spiked, acid-spitting prehensile appendage located in the junction of the monster's legs. Nitram is still scarred by that fight
6. Grounding the butt of a Wand of Flamestrike on the Body of Karsus and then activating the command word is ... Exhilerating.
7. Using a chunk from the Body of Karsus (Whole Magic) to fuel your spells is a sure way to turn your Sorc into an addict. It's such a RUSH, feeling that power thru you, even if you accidently overdose and nearly die.
8. Any game Nitram and I play alone together turns sexual.
9. Any campaign that Nitram and I start playing with friends winds up with the group falling apart and one of the players divorcing his wife. (Happened twice so far, both with D&D)

[Cynical Cat]

1) No matter how fast you are, Chris (aka Umbras aka Trizkel) can run you down. Even if he is wearing full plate.

2) No matter how much our characters hate each other at the start, the odds are my and Chris's characters will be acting as a perfect team.

3) My brother Gordon will engage in melee the enemy most likely to be able to hand him his ass.

4) Freakboy (one of our Steves)will tell you exactly what he thinks you need to hear. Getting the truth from him is harder than pulling teeth.

5) Chris will tell you as little as possible. Getting information from him is harder than pulling teeth.

6) Chris's characters should be forced to have conversations with Freakboy's whenever possible.

7) Steve (the other Steve) is a master of the double cross. It's the triple cross that he fucks up.

8) Steve is very lucky . . . . as long as he's fighting to defend the rest of the party. If only his life is on the line, his luck is abominable.

9) Its is a cold day in Hell when Julian plays a character without fire and death magic. However, since Julian likes Norse myths, Hel can be very, very cold.

10) Yes, Steve really has to hit bonuses that high and really did that much damage. The DM can either sacrifice his integrity or suck it down. *Sigh* Let the sucking commence.

11) Mike will stay in the fight until he dies, everyone else breaks off, or fails a will save. Usually the first or the third occurs.

12) The Steves will play stealthy whores. If they aren't, it means they've snuck something past you that you haven't noticed.

13) Apparently my bad guys are so nasty, it is prudent to assume a vorpal blade will fail every time.

14) Killing me and Chris in the same encounter is guarranteeing we will be cooperating in character design.

15) Very few things are as hard on NPCs as one of them pissing off me or Chris.

16) Brahm will have a too intricate plan to deal with any given situation. It will usually feature at least one unnecessary step and take far too much time.

17) If Brahm is actually allowed to execute his plan, all the gods will not be enough to help the poor bastard on the receiving end.

[Cynical Cat]

18) No matter how good your character is at something, a 3 on the D20 isn't a good sign.

19) When Nalifan is not being an arrogant bastard, something is very, very wrong.

[LadyTevar]

10. Nitram never gets to play characters. Why? When he gets to play, his characters are as imaginative and insanely powerful as any CynCat can come up with, and always have a twist. (Orc Paladin. Paladin of AO. FlayerSpawn Inquistor.)

[Masterharper]

1. Illiteracy in the modern world is FUN.
2. Just because the overconfident Magelet pissed you off and killing her is totally in character DON'T. (She's obviously plot critical, and related to someone who will end you.)
3. If it's not dead yet, it just needs two more arrows.
4. No matter how stealthy you are, one of your companions will completely ruin your perfectly executed infiltration.
5. Never make an adventuring party without an Elf.
6. If you wanna be a Garou, check to see if you'll want to kill the rest of the party first.
7. Yes, you -can- buy werewolf insurance.
8. Yes, you -should- buy werewolf insurance.
9. No, you can't outrun the were.
10. Always do the most cinematic thing possible--you could die at any instant.
11. Skylights are for jumping through.
12: Pirate ships filled with the living dead must -always- be surrounded by a mist. If they aren't, it will be arranged.
13. Don't make me get the red dice out.
14. Characters (yes characters, not players) Get VERY possessive of their dice.
15. Never let a fool play the primary caster--he will only make things harder for you all.

[Dark Silver]

Never ask Scottie: "Is that the best you got?" when it comes to description of a scene meant to be traumitizing and horrible.......

As he WILL break your mind.

[Bloody Good]

When in doubt:

A) bigger is better.
B) empty the clip.
C) burn it with fire.
D) All of the above.
E) Repeat choice D 2d10 times.

[LadyTevar]

Dark Silver's games are ALWAYS stacked against the players.

[Comrade Tortoise]

As a GM:
Always make The Village Idiot spell out every ability his character possesses either directly or through combinations

If you see a copy of the Munchkins Guide to Power Gaming. Burn it.

Chest Bursting scenes are acceptable to inflict upon stupid PCs

Always roll for infected wounds

Always roll for illegitimate children

Always Obey The Rules of an Evil Overlord

If the Village Idiot leaves to drop something off at a friend's place and ends up chasing tail for three hours without informing your group of 5 players... torturing his character is fair game.

As a Player
If you are a low level 2nd edition wizard: home made explosives are your friend.

When playing 2nd edition, the alchemy and herbalism proficiencies are your best friend.

Guy is a douchebag

Speaking of Guy, never let him DM when there are female players, he will give them freakish breaks (like access to wish at 1st level) and fuck you over, forcing you to conspire with the only other competent player to not only kill the other players and thus balance the game, but also to earn experience points that he only actually gives to said female. When you do so... use lye.

I know more than Guy about snake anatomy

Clayton is sleeping with the GM

The Grease spell is your best friend at low levels

Always prepare Spider Climb

Tenser's Floating Disk can be used as a weapon

Neutral Evil Gnome wizard as de facto party leader=lots of fun

If Goodbye Horses is playing and Shark Bait is in the room. Run

If Shark Bait ever starts dancing. Run Faster

A properly prepped gnome=death machine

If you encounter slimes molds or jellies. Collect them.

[The Village Idiot]

As a GM:
Always make The Village Idiot spell out every ability his character possesses either directly or through combinations

In my defense I never cheated or even bent any rules. I just did with every other class what you do with mages.

Things I learned:

Low levels, a barrel of Dwarven Ale, and a torch can make things fun.

The bluff skill can do wonders when properly applied. (Ex. "Lick it... its candy")

Never play a game where the GM is sleeping with, suspected of sleeping with, or wants to sleep with another player.

Kobolds dont get enough respect.

A gnome riding a war dog, wielding a greatsword, and carrying a lance should never be under estimated by his size.

When looking around the room, don't forget to specifically mention that your looking UP.

Swarm Fighting, look it up, use it. Fear.

If a player is explaining his character or abilities, skills, ect... and the phrase "No book says I CAN'T do that" or something similer, should automatically have that character banned.

If the (spell-less) 1st level mage is doing a better job at tanking AND melee then the barbarian, ranger, and cleric put together, its time for a rethink.

[Comrade Tortoise]

If the (spell-less) 1st level mage is doing a better job at tanking AND melee then the barbarian, ranger, and cleric put together, its time for a rethink.

When the hell was THAT? I mean, I remember doing some interesting things with 1st level mages..but still...

[The Village Idiot]

If the (spell-less) 1st level mage is doing a better job at tanking AND melee then the barbarian, ranger, and cleric put together, its time for a rethink.

When the hell was THAT? I mean, I remember doing some interesting things with 1st level mages..but still...

Recent game I am playing/co-GMing here in England. There are a few new players that think we wont kill them. 1 round later 2 of their characters had to make stabalization rolls. That is when I jumped in and replaced their cleric with myself, if only to stop them from going balls out into the cave of Bugbears and Hobgoblins again.

[Comrade Tortoise]

And you were playing a mage? Dear god.

[Bloody Good]

Plan B is just like Plan A, but with twice as much gunpowder.

[Cynical Cat]

When starting a Vampire game with seven players, make sure every character is the buddy of another character. It makes things much easier. I managed to run things well without it, but it could easily have been FUBAR.

[LadyTevar]

When starting a Vampire game with seven players, make sure every character is the buddy of another character. It makes things much easier. I managed to run things well without it, but it could easily have been FUBAR.

And god help the person without a buddy... cause she WILL GET FUBARED.

[Cynical Cat]

Actually, its an engagement management not player versus player issue. Of course, they could decide to start murdering each other next session. But right now they are hunting for the Sherrif's killers.

[LadyTevar]

Actually, its an engagement management not player versus player issue. Of course, they could decide to start murdering each other next session. But right now they are hunting for the Sherrif's killers.

And once they find the killers, it will become the typical political BS.

[Cynical Cat]

Nah. The Assamite Jew and the Assamite WW2 veteran might have issues though.

[Umbras]

When Cynical has that "Cat that ate the Canary look", you know something horrid is about to happen. All you can hope for is

1. you get lucky as hell and do enough damage to kill it before it gets to act.

2. If you don't do enough damage to kill it Gord (Cynical's brother) does the dumb thing and charges it to absorb all the attacks(which usually kills him) to allow you another shot before it attacks again.

3. If it isn't close enough or there are other pc's between it and you, you can save/resist/survive against the horrendous magic attack thats about to rape you.

4. You do just enough damage to cause it to flee, of course your gonna have to deal with it later......

Or simply the party implodes (due to lack of trust, pc's annoying each other) or dies stupidly to villains we should mop the floor with.

It all makes for interesting gaming sessions.

[Rogue 9]

Never bother trying to find out shit, even when you're playing a very skilled detective, because if the Storyteller wants you to know it you will, and if he doesn't he'll have a random mind mage rip the memories out of you because he doesn't want to deal with you having the knowledge.